The Phases of The F'ed Up Relationship

This morning while doing my morning shopping at Shop n Save, my best friend, who is more like a sister to me gave me a call.  While I was a bit upset that she interrupted my Corrine Bailey Rae I am a good friend who always has time for my girl.  So she was at home minding her own business when she receives a call at 4:00 in the morning from the wife of the man that she is shaggin.  The wife was not mad, she just held a conversation with my friend about the man that they were sharing and ended the call with, “don’t buy any of the dreams that such-and-such is buying” and that was that.  My girl was in awe that the wife was so calm, but I was not.  The wife is now in what I like to call the phase in a fucked up relationship called “Acceptance”. 

Seek and Ye Shall Find

Every relationship has phases, but the f'ed up relationship's phases varies greatly from that of a normal relationship.  The first phase of the f'ed up relationship is the investigative phase.  During the investigative phase the person getting f'ed over usually spend his/her time investigating the person that if f'ing over them.  During this phase the f'ed over not only spends his/her time going through their partners cellphone for strange phone calls and text messages, but this person will also go as far as riding past their mate's house, job, friend's house, momma's house, grandma's house and by the place that their mate frequents.  During this phase the f'ed over will check pockets, purses, panties and boxer briefs for evidence of foul play.  The investigative phase of the f'ed up relationship takes diligence, determination and very little self-respect.   This phase of the relationship the person knows that their mate isn't being true, but they think that if they investigate the crime somehow they can prevent future crimes from happening.  

A Fight A Fight

The next phase after the investigative phase is the combative phase; during this phase the person will have investigated enough to determine rather or not their mate is involved in illegal activities such as cheating.  Rather then leaving the f'ed up relationship the person will become combative thinking that they can fight their way to a normal relationship. During this phase of the relationship the woman will go from a private eye to a warrior.  She will fuss and fight with every other woman that even looks at her man in the wrong way.  She will curse out the waitress, the co-worker even as far as the distant cousin that she has never met.  In the combative phase you may see this person in the grocery store clowning with their partner because someone of the opposite sex spoke to them in line and not care who sees them. Occasionally the woman will fight the man, but her anger isn't towards the one who is suppose to be loyal, no her anger is for the other woman who actually owes her nothing.  The investigative phase can be expensive in terms of gas money, spy cameras and freelance computer hackers. However, during the combative phase weaves get pulled out, nails get broken, tires get slashed, cell phone bills go up due to calling the other man/woman during non-peak hours and playing on the phone and windows get broken out so this phase is the most expensive.  

I Accept Therefore I Am

After a someone has investigated that they are in fact in a f'ed up relationship, combated their way through countless other people, he/she generally is tired and does not want to fuss and fight any longer, but they are unwilling to give up the relationship, so they move on to the acceptance phase of the f'ed up relationship. During the acceptance phase, he/she no longer has to investigate because he/she already knows that they are in a f'ed up relationship and their mate is cheating on them, they are no longer combative because they have grown tired and have no more fight left in them, but they still want to maintain this relationship so they move happily in the acceptance phase of the f'ed up relationship. 

During the acceptance phase the person does not like the fact that their partner is a cheater, but they have wasted so much time and so many years in the investigative and combative portion of their f'ed up relationship that they will accept the win by default and has accepted the terms and conditions of their f'ed up relationship. This person has said to him/herself that as longs as their mate respect him/her enough not to cheat in their face or not to bring their other men/women home then he/she is cool with it. During the acceptance phase of the f'ed up relationship the person has ran him/herself to the ground that he/she is now so cynical and bitter that no one else will want him/her and their self esteem is so low that they believe that this person is the best that he/she can do and he/she is lucky to have him/her. 

Winning By Default Is Not Quite As Sweet

The default win is not a prize either because default means just that…default.  The default person is the person who has stuck around the longest, the one who the cheater has ran to the ground and back and only after they have done all of their dirt and have ran through the ones who are not going to put up with his/her shit, he/she finally decides to settle with the one who has always been there and who was stupid enough to stick around. The default prize.  No they are not the first or most desired choice, but they are fine with being this person's last resort.  The cheater do not love the default prize,  and if someone else was to come along he/she would leave the default prize and be some sort of a decent and loyal person.  

When I think about the character, Arizona, in my upcoming book Skeletons, she is now in the acceptance phase of her relationship.  She is in the phase where she knows that her husband is untrue, but she also knows that he will not change so she accepts her win by default and is prepared to accept the terms and conditions of her relationship.  

We have all been in a f'ed up relationship at one point in our lives rather we left during the investigative, combative or are currently in the acceptance phase and are fine with the bronze medal hanging around our necks or wrapped around our ring finger.  Be careful of the terms and conditions in which you accept when entering into relationships and if things seem f'ed up in the beginning then most likely things will be f'ed up in the end.  

TTFN