www.LOVE.com

Rushing home from work Stella could barely turn the car off good before she opened the door to the Silver Buick Enclave.   The irritating chime indicated that she’d left the key in the ignition which cost her ten additional seconds as she pulled the silver prong out of the ignition and rushed into the dark house.  Not wanting to waste any time turning on lights Stella rushed into her bedroom and clicked on her laptop, letting the light from the screen illuminate her bedroom filing the walls with blue-green hints of color.  Pulling off her suit jacket and running her fingers through her long locks she sat on the kind sized bed as her computer booted up. As soon the laptop stopped making the buzzing and whirling sounds she signed into her Facebook account as: LadyGoDiving68.  

Ignoring the countless number of notifications and received messages on the page she looked just to see if there was a green dot beside the picture of the handsome salt and pepper haired man named William Thompson and to her delight William was online.  Stella never approached him first, that would make her seem to desperate and eager, instead she waiting for him to notice her and send his message first.

William: Good evening.

A smile ran from East to West on her plump face as she typed: Good evening, how are you?

William: My day has finally gotten better.

Still smiling she typed: Why is that?

William: Because I finally get to talk to you.

LadyGoDiving: Flattery doesn’t work on me William.

William: Who said that I was trying to flatter you?

LadyGoDiving: You are something else.

William: How was work?

LadyGoDiving: Tedious as usual.  How about yourself?

William:  Same here.  I thought about you all day today.  I thought about our conversations and how much I’d like to finally meet the lady behind the screen.

LadyGoDiving: Whatever happened to taking things slowly?

William: We have been taking it at a snail’s pace, but I’d like to kick it up to a turtle’s stroll if you don’t mind.

Stella kicked the brown pumps off of her swollen feet making a soft thud sound on the carpeting as she contemplated speeding things up with her computer romance.  While she liked William she was not ready to meet face-to-face and risk getting hurt once again.  At the same time, she didn’t want to risk going so slow that he’d eventually lose interest in her.

LadyGoDiving: What do you have in mind William? I am not ready to meet yet.

William: Have you ever heard of Skype?

LadyGoDiving: Vaguely.

William: Do you have a webcam Lady?

LadyGoDiving: Yes my laptop came with one built in.

William: I am sending you the link to Skype, get you an account and add me to your contact list so that we can chat via video and free up our hands. 

Stella clicked the link to Skype.com

William: Meet me online in an hour; I want you to wear something sexy and reveling.  I want to see you.

LadyGoDiving: I am not sure about this.

William: Lose your inhibitions Lady.  Remember when we were talking about your scuba diving trip and you told me that I had to lose all of my inhibitions and enjoy life for what it was? That is what I want you to do.  Stop being afraid of what you think I may or may not like, lose your inhibitions and just live.

LadyGoDiving: You are right.

William: One hour.

After his last sentence his green square turned to blue then his picture disappeared. 

With the advent of social networking sites such as Facebook, Myspace, Twitter and Adult Friend Finder people are finding it easier than ever to meet and interact with new people; however, many people are using their computer screens and screen names as a shield that protects them from the real world. 

I use social media sites every day.  I have met some interesting people online, I have met people that I talk to about my upcoming book, Skeletons, and I have met people who I talk to casually.  I have also been able to connect with friends and family members whom I haven’t seen in years!  Social networking sites are fantastic.  In Stella’s case, she is using social networking as a way of connecting to find love, but she is hiding behind her screen name to keep herself from being vulnerable. 

When I was growing up (in the 80’s and 90’s) we had the telephone chat lines to connect with people  that we didn’t know.  Telephone chat rooms were not only stupid, but they were also very expensive and a lot of teenagers got their telephone privileges taken away after their parents received the bill from Ma Bell.  Cellphones have replaced landlines, texting replaced talking and IMing has replaced getting out and meeting someone.  There is nothing wrong with getting on Facebook and meeting a cute guy, finding out that you have a lot in common and building a relationship.  

The main problem with finding love on the internet is determining rather or not this person is telling the truth.  So many people get online and misrepresent themselves either by falsely representing heir appearance, leaving out the fact that they are married with children or worse, denying that they may be on house arrest for some reason.  They lie and lead the person on the other end of the screen into a life of false hopes that are based upon deceit.  While many people are using the computer as a shield to protect their hearts from being broken, they are actually still at risk due to the unknown. 

Internet dating can be successful, but you just have to date smart just as you would with regular, old-fashioned dating.  I always suggest using a site such as eharmony or match.com rather than chat rooms because since chat rooms are free anyone can lurk there no matter what their motives maybe.  Sites such as eHaromny and Match are more likely to have people who are not only compatible with you but also since these are pay sites the dating pool are serious about finding love. A lot of my single friends are embarrassed about using a internet dating site and for the life of my I can’t understand why…if I were single I’d consider using one.  It takes the guess work out of it.  I am in my 30’s and the dating pool is shallow with most guys being married, seriously coupled up, openly gay or just down-right un-dateable so if I were looking for love I’d go to eHarmony.

Online dating is hard, but remember just like with regular dating you have to use your head, don’t use the computer as a way to shield yourself from being hurt and have fun I am sure that you will find love sooner rather than later.

TTFN!

The Forgotten Art of The Booty Call

Rather you call it friends with benefits, a hook up, a fuck mate or your cuddy buddy it all means the same thing, a casual sex relationship.  While this can be fun and rewarding, it is also a delicate relationship that has to be handled with care to avoid emotional attachments that could eventually lead to hurt feelings.   If you are single, but still want the sexual benefits of a relationship without the commitment of the relationship then a booty call may be right for you.  Some people may blush at the mere thought of having a relationship with someone that is based purely on sex, but if both parties are willing and able I say why in the hell not.  Just make sure that you set the ground rules first.

The Rules of The Booty Call

Both Parties Must be Single

No Emotional Discussions

Avoid The L-Word Like the Plague

Do Not Go Out In Public

Avoid Calling, "Just to Talk"

Always Wear Protection

Avoid Spending The Night

Do Not Let Jealously Ruin Your Fun

If both parties can agree and abide by these simple rules things will go smoothly and you will live happily ever after in cuddy buddy heaven.  Or will you? 

We Are Only Human

As much as we would like to think we can separate our emotional feelings from sex, we are human and a huge part of our sexual compatibility is emotional; even for men.   I am not talking about a one-nighter where you meet someone at a bar, hook up and never see or hear from this person again.  No, I am talking about a friend with benefits which is someone that you have an ongoing sexual relationship with.  Besides the obvious reason of having great sex, there is something that keeps going back for more.  Maybe you like spending time with this person, but you don't want the confines, responsibility or expectations of being in a relationship.  Maybe you want an actual relationship with this person, but you are to chicken shit to admit it so you settle for being this person's toy for the time being. Whatever the case may be if you have an on-going sexual relationship with someone that has lasted over the span of months or in some cases years, there is a reason behind this and it isn't just for the sex!  

The Blacklash of The Booty Call

One reason that I call this post the Forgotten Art of The Booty Call is that people tend to forget what they signed up for when dealing with someone just for sex.  People tend to forget that we are human and as human we want and need to be wanted and needed.  We want to be touched, kissed, held, talked to, taken out on dates and ultimately loved.  It is an art for someone to be able to casually hook up with someone for an extended period of time without any emotional ties to that person, thus this art is forgotten.  

When you are with this person for a 'hook-up' and he/she leaves after the deed is done, leaving you  wanting more; is that something that you can tolerate?  If you do develop feelings for the person, express them and find out that those feelings aren't shared, the friendship and hook up is damaged because things have become too complicated. Finding out that your friend has been friending other people is another backlash of the booty call.  Remember, jealously is not part of the cuddy budy pact so deal with it. 

If you see this person on an actual date with someone else, you cant get mad  remember discretion is part of the agreement in a booty call relationship; therefore, you have agreed to remain silent in the background like an extra in a movie.  Is that something that you could handle?   If your booty call decides that they no longer want the hook up , they just stop calling you and won't answer your calls then you find out that they now have a mate that is just part of the deal.  You have no choice but to accept it.  Because you were just a 'friend'.

A booty call is not as simple as one may think because while this person is not your mate you are giving him/her a huge part of your life and that should be important to you just as it should be to them.  Now, I have had casual sex relationships and they were great, but you have to know when and how to terminate things so that you two remain on good terms without any hurt feelings.  This is the forgotten art of the booty call and if you can handle it remember to handle it carefully.

TTFN!

A Player In Your Own Mind

Hey guys! I haven't been able to log into Blogger for the past few days for some reason and I was frantic that I could not post anymore of my random ramblings, but I'm back!

Today's topic came from talking to a friend who was telling me about a guy that she is dating and really likes except one thing...he thinks that he is a player, but really he is only a player in his own mind thus he is playing himself.  See guys to be a true player you have to have certain things in place and without these essential things you are just playing yourself because you are too afraid to fall in love and risk getting your little heart broken.

You are a player in your own mind if you have a woman

A player needs to be available to date other women at all times and if you have a woman that is impossible to have that type of availability without your main woman getting all bent out of shape.  Now I'm not talking about a man cheating on his woman what I am talking about is being a player.  A player is that emotionally elusive man who is seeing several women at one time, never fully giving himself to one person.  It is not possible to be a player if you have a main woman because that means that someone actually has your heart and that you don't have the freedom of taking other women where you want to because you have to be mindful of running into your woman or her friends which could lead to disaster.  So remember guys, if you have a woman then your player certificate has been shredded.

You are a player in your own mind if you live with your grandma

Every successful player know that having your own place is essential to the game because you have to have somplace to take the ladies after your date.  If you have to sneak women into the house after your grandma has fallen asleep or if you have to constantly tell the lady to keep it down because she might wake up your parents then that is not sexy and your player license has been suspended until you get your own place.   Yes you could take the ladies to a hotel, but after awhile hotels get expensive and the lady is going to want to see your place eventually so it is best to have your own spot as to avoid a potentially embaressing situation. 

You are a player in your own mind if you drive a mini-van

Let's face it fellas, it is not fiesable to think that you are a player if you come to pick a lady up in a Caravan, Odessey or Voyager.  Driving a mini van means that you have three or more kids and since most single men wouldn't buy a mini van (even if they have kids) this also means that you are either married or attached to a lady.  A man jumping out of a mini van is just not player material.  Also, while a Toyota Camery, Corolla or a Sunfire are sensible cars that get great gas milege those are not cars that women necessairly connnect with a man that has player status.  Go ahead and purchase that Charger, Mustang or even a Phantom and leave the Town and Country on the lot if you are planning on being a player. 



You are a player in your own mind if your car is not up to par

Being a player is one part attitude, two parts swagger and the rest is about marketing and it is hard to be taken seriously as a player if you have a red car with a blue hood!  

Women will look the other way if you pull up to her trying to get your Mack on while your car is emitting harmful fumes and is louder than your stereo system. Before you try to get your player degree please check your car, make sure there isn't any visable rust, make sure that the door all open and close without the use of duct tape or a hanger, please make sure all of your tires are the same size and please do not add more pollution to the ozone with your toxic black smoke piping from the back of your ride.

You are a player in your own mind if you don't have the funds

Have you ever heard the term, 'you gotta pay to play'? As much as I hate to say it fellas you cannot be a broke player.   I know that in this economy it is hard to maintain not only your house and your car, but if you want to be a successful player you have to also maintian your bank account so that it is padded enough to be able to take different women to the movies, bowling, dinner, dancing and the such.  If you ask three women on dates then please be able to pay for all three activities and trust me these days a movie ticket is $10 or more.  If you don't think that you'll be able to afford to take all of these women out on your salary then consider getting a second job or a side hustle because you are going to need it.

You are a player in your own mind if you don't know how to play

Being a player means that sometimes you will get played and if you walk around sulking because someone played you then you are on the opposing team.  Players understand that if they play the game they are risking getting played, but players also know to keep their emotions distant so that they won't get attached to a certain woman only to find out that she too is a player then end up getting his heart broke.  If you are a sensitive man who wears his heart on his sleeve maybe you should look into marriage instead of being a player because it is a dog eat dog world out there and a lot of women are players who don't think twice about chewing you up and spitting you out.

I am making light of the matter, the fact is that most players are just people who have had their hearts broken at some point in their lives (early on) and have taken an oath of heartlessness.  People who play with the emotions, intelligence and time of other people who are seriously looking for love are often insecure themselves and think that they need the validation of several women to make them feel better about themselves.  It is sad, but often this is the truth.   Hey heart break is a part of life, yes it hurts and it is hard to put the pieces back, but it is through the heartbreak that you will heal, gain strength and be able to love again. 

TTFN



The Friend Zone

You are traveling through another dimension

A dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind.

A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries

are that of the imagination.

That's a signpost up ahead: your next stop:

The Friend Zone

The friend zone is the worst place that a person can be with a person that they want to be involved with romantically or sexually.   The friend zone is described as the zone that you enter into when the person that you are seeing only wants to hang out with you rather than be involved romantically.  The friend zone is more dangerous for a man because once females put men in that zone it is difficult or impossible for women to see him as anything but "just a friend."  The friend zone for women is dangerous as well, but it is a little more easy for women to escape the zone.

Warning Signs

There are several warning signs that you have entered the friend zone:

1. If you hear the term "We are just friends." that is the most obvious sign that you have entered the forbidden zone.  

2. If the person refers to you as "little sis" or "little brother" even though you are not related--you are in the friend zone. 

3. If they talk about other men/women with YOU you are in the friend dimension. 

4. If the person revels way to much information about themselves to you (no mystery), you are just a friend.

5. If they don't care about their appearance when they are with you--consider yourself friended. 

I am not going to take the time to explain the above-mentioned signs in greater detail, but once you have one or more of these major signs consider yourself friended.  For some people being friends with someone of the opposite sex isn't all that bad, but if you want to have a romantic or sexual relationship with this person then you have a problem.

Avoiding The Friendship Zone

Let's face it, sometimes the person that we are attracted to won't share that same attraction for us and there really isn't anything that we can do about it.  However, there are ways to avoid being placed in this zone at the beginning of the relationship. 

First, let your intentions be known from the beginning of the relationship.  Don't be shy, let him/her know that you are interesting in them romantically. Suggest romantic dates alone instead of with a group of people. Going on group dates won't allow two people to get to know one another one-on-one and it won't allow for romance so it is hard to escape being seen as just a friend when you are only around one another with other friends. 

Go to places where you can get close enough to touch (not grope) and place your hand on their knee or on the small of their back etc...Don't be afraid to tastefully tell the person about your sexual desires in order to build sexual tensions between the two of you (a lot of people are put into the friend zone due to the lack of sexual chemistry or tension).  Another way to avoid the friendship zone is to live your own life and date other people until you and this person have established your roles in each other's lives.  When you live your own life, you are bringing your own interests and experiences into the mix so you will be seen as an interesting person instead of just a friendly person.  

Lastly, if you want to attract their attention make yourself attractive by the way you carry yourself around this person. When you are with your friends the SpongeBob SquarePants lounge pants and tank top are fine, but when you are trying to be romantic with someone you'd better step your game up a little and dress tastefully enough to attract their attention.  

Being in the friend zone can suck for anyone looking for a romantic relationship, but sometimes being just friends is just that, and the person sees you only as someone that they can be friends with no matter what you do to try to avoid it.  

TTFN! 

And You Thought Your Weekend Was Crazy!

Hello, I woke up this morning from a hangover...not from drinking as I don't drink, but a hangover from my crazy, busy weekend.  First, my 18 year-old niece attended Alton Senior High School's Prom so she asked my little sister and I to come out and she her and to take pics.  As a writer and a mother of a lot of kids, I generally don't get out of the house much, so my little sister poked, prodded and laid a thick guilt trip on me so I went ahead and went.  Being that I am a writer and a mother of a lot of kids, I don't really get dressed.  My daily outfit consists of a pair of XXL Old Navy Yoga pants that I got when I was 6 months pregnant with Januari and some assorted tank top with a pair of colorful socks.  So when I was about to leave the house my trendy 17 year-old daughter looked at me with disgust and said, "Mommy I know that you are not wearing that!" Based on her disapproval I went ahead and got dressed in real clothes.
I was amazed on how beautiful some of the kids looked in their prom clothes.  For a lot of these kids prom is something that they have been looking forward to all year so they made sure that they went all out.

My niece and her date looked fantastic together, he even had the walking stick that he was lucky to have as an accessory at his young age instead of a necessity.  We enjoyed seeing all of the kids dressed to impress and filled with excitement as they paraded around in their formal attire, posed for pictures that would be uploaded on  Facebook and Myspace pages throughout and drove off in over-priced rental cars. It was an exciting time and I am looking forward to my own daughter's senior prom (I think more than she is).

Saturday my husband and I decided to shop for Januari's 1st birthday party.  We decided on Ni Hao Ki Lan as the theme for her party because she kind of looks like the popular Nick Jr. character.  We had the cake ordered and our party venue set in stone all that we needed to do was to get the party supplies.   We went to Edwardsville to find a Party Magic, but for some reason Edwardsville has every store known to man, but no party supply store!  They even have a Dipping Dots, but not a Party Magic.  We did find one small mom and pop supply store, but they didn't even know who Ki Lan was let alone carry party supplies for that theme.  So we had to decided on rather we wanted to drive to Fairview Heights to look for a Party Magic or go to the one that we knew in St. Louis.  We decided on St. Louis because we knew exactly were it was located and since we'd been on their website we were sure that they would have Ki Lan.

I suppose Boston had too much Bug Juice because en route to the Show Me State he decides to piss his pants, his car seat, his socks and every where else the pee would go oh and this one time is the time that we forgot to pack him a change of underwear and clothes!  We were already at the party store so we were going to run in, grab a few things then go home.  That was until Boston's bladder decided that it couldn't hold anything else and he said, "I HAVE TO PEEE!!!!"  As Kerri and I frantically looked throughout the car for an empty bottle or cup (which we have plenty of trust me), Kerri got the cup and I worked to pull down the already wet shorts, Javier looked on in disgust and Januari clapped at her parents looking like fools Boston pointed his penis, but missed and got up both R. Kelly style.  

Enough on that...we get into the party store and guess what? They didn't have anything at all that had Ni Hao Ki Lan on it!  At this point I was exhausted, hot and smelled of little boy piss so we just grabbed 1st birthday stuff and left in a rush.  On our way home Boston decided to pee once again just to make sure we got the point. 

Sunday, was party day...our baby girl's first birthday and we were excited...she could have cared less.  We thought that we had it all down pact because I am a great party planner, but it is always that small things that you forget such as tape, candles and not to let the helium-filled mylar balloons loose in a room that has a ceiling fan going.  After we cut the balloons out of the ceiling fan and kept Boston (who is scared of balloons) from having a nervous breakdown we finished decorating.  Januari, in true diva-style, decided to have a breakdown of her own kind and cried until we bathed her and put her to sleep.  After everything was decorate and my husband and I looked at one another through tired, stress-filled eyes we called everyone and pushed the party back an hour just so that we could rest.   I showered (finally), dressed and cuddled my guy until the guests arrived.

The party was a success and Januari, dressed in a pink tutu with matching crown, had a great time until she finally fell asleep blissfully in her father's arms.  Am I a bad parent because I didn't spend $10k on her birthday? No, because it won't make her love me anymore than what she already does.  Last night my husband and I reminised over our crazy weekend, we laughed because despite all of the things that went wrong our love for one another and that we have for our children made it all right and that is all that matters. 

TTFN

Terms & Conditions Of The Relationship Contract

Hello.  Last night I watched The Time Traveler's Wife and while this movie was fantastic , I felt sorry for Claire (played by Rachel McAdams) because she couldn't fully live her life due to the fact that she was constantly waiting for Henry (played by Eric Bana) to travel back to her.  At one point in the movie she was resentful of him because while he was traveling through time, she had bills to pay and a life to live and she wanted to live a normal life with a man who stayed in the present time with her.  Yet, she entered into this agreement with Henry so waiting for him to time travel to get back to her were the terms and conditions of her relationship contract.

Read Carefully Before You Sign On The Dotted Line

When Henry told her that he traveled through time and that he couldn't control it nor did he know when in time or where in time that he would travel.  The terms and conditions of their relationship meant that there would be days, weeks, months or years that Claire would be without him. Waiting on him to return. Once Claire signed on the dotted line of that relationship contract that meant that she agreed to the terms and conditions.  

When we enter into a new relationship we tend to get so caught up in the newness of it all that we look past the important things.  Important things such as, is he employed, does he have children, does he use drugs, does he have a drinking problem, is she already married but separated  does she have several children by several different men or has she completed high school or in Claire's case can he stick around? When entering into a relationship and the newness wears off that is when it is time to take a look at the terms and conditions of your potential mate and if those terms and conditions are conducive with your life.  This should be done before you sign on the dotted line of the relationship contract and become exclusive with that person.  For example, if you don't have children, don't like children, have expensive furniture in your home and like to travel to exotic lands at the drop of a dime,  would it be conducive with your life to enter into a relationship with a person who has three children?  No.  Another example, if you are a member of C.O.G.I.G (Church Of God In Christ) who goes to church Sunday thru Friday would it be conducive with your life to get with someone who is a partier? No.  Entering into these contracts with people who don't fit into the major parts of your life is the set up for a disastrous union.
Some people enter into non-conducive relationship contracts because they think that they can deal with their partners terms & conditions or they think that the partner will eventually change.  That is fine, but it rarely happens.  Remember people change for their own needs and they change on their own time so if you want to wait around for someone to change, you may be waiting a lifetime.

Contract Addendum

 Say you enter into the relationship contract under the terms & conditions that your mate does not do housework then sometime down the line you are working more hours, you have a few kids and you need help around the house your partner is going to be hesitant and may refuse to help because his terms & conditions have not changed and since you signed on the dotted line you are in a losing situation.   That is when you have changed the contract by adding an addendum that since your mate can't afford to let you stay home and care for the house and kids then he will have to accommodate for your absence by doing housework.  Keep in mind that adding a contract addendum does not guarantee that your mate will agree so you will have to keep the negotiations open until the terms & conditions of the relationship are mutually agreed upon by both parties.  Say for instance that your mate will hire a part-time house keeper to help out. You can't add an addendum without your partner's knowledge and without your partner agreeing with the changed contract, if you do then that is a breech of contract.

Breeching The Contracts Deems It Null & Void

When some fails to honor the terms & conditions of their mutually agreed upon contract then they are in breech of contract making that contract null and void.  Long hours have been spent in court houses across the world due to breech of contract cases so this is an important issue.  Business partnerships have ended due to breech on contracts and the same thing goes for relationship contracts.  When you accept the terms and conditions of your relationship with the partner of your choice then to that partner you will accept their bullshit and you can't question it nor disagree with it because, "I was like this when you met me" or "You knew that I didn't have my GED when you met me" or "You know that I slept with your brother when we met".  Therefore you can't bring that shit up and if you do then that makes the relationship contract null and void and the relationship will ultimately be null and void as well. 

Remember when entering into a relationship read over their terms and conditions and if those things are not conducive with your life and/or life's goals do not enter into the contract in the first place and save yourself the grief in the long run. 

TTFN!

Living With A Sexually Active Teenager

Good afternoon, I was speaking with a close friend about our teenagers and how difficult they can be when we started to talk about teenagers and sex.  As a mother of a 17 year-old sexually active daughter and a 13 year-old son I have been through the trials and tribulations of coping with a sexually active teenager.

Finding out that my daughter had sex was the most difficult times of my life; many tears were shed the day that I learned that she'd lost her virginity.  However, instead of getting mad I got educated and I educated my daughter.

This is the 21st Century People

When I was a teenager my parents didn't talk to us about sex, all they said was, "Don't do it." Subsequently I ended up pregnant with my daughter at the age of 17 and ended up being a part of the growing statistic of teenage pregnancy in America.  Gone are the days when parents didn't talk to their teenagers about sex, gone are the days when parents threatened the kids with a harsh ass whooping or punishment from God.  The sex talk that I got was from my friends in the girl's bathroom and they were just as clueless as I was!
This is the 21st century people so it is time to stop playing with these kids lives and start getting real with them and real with ourselves.  Back in the day sex wasn't as open as it is today; now sex is all around and the kids are desensitized to sexually suggestive images and songs.  When I was growing up it was a big deal when someone said ass on TV and Madonna's Justify My Love video was very controversial, but in now in the 21st century the videos make Madonna's look like a Charlie Chaplin movie and these kids don't blush at the word or even the sight of ass.  

Keeping It Real

Hey let's just keep it real, these kids are going to have sex and some of them are already having sex, we did it our parents did it and I'm sure that their parents did it too.  In now way am I condoning teenage sex I am just keeping it real.  Now, what do you do when you find out your child has had sex?  I use the five steps of grief when dealing with the sexually active teenager:    

  

 Denial

"Not my child, my child would never do that I taught him/her better than that."

 Anger

"How could you? You are on punishment for the rest of your life!"

 Bargaining

 "Look, even though you had sex this time if you promise me that you will never do it again I will buy you a new car, iPod, cellphone or whatever."

 Depression

"Why me? Why my child?" "How could this happen?"

 Acceptance

 "Okay now that she is sexually active what do we do next?"

The acceptance phase is the most important phase.  It is in this phase that parents should denying that their child has had sex, realize that being angry and punishing the child will not change what has happened, bargaining with the child is only a temporary fix and being depressed about it is understandable but won't make you feel any better.   In the acceptance phase the parent can sit the teen down and have an open, honest discussion about sexual responsibility.  Remember that while parents can accept the fact that their teen has had sex, they don't have to condone it.  Sexual behavior in teenagers is very important and if parents don't bring forth the importance of this issue then don't expect the adolescent to be responsible about it.

"The Truth, You Can't Handle The Truth!"

When I sat my daughter down to talk about her having sex it was intimidating not only for her, but for me as well.  Facing the fact that my daughter was no longer in her bedroom playing with dolls and dressing up as a fairy princess, but now she was a sexually active young adult and facing that truth was something that I was not prepared for.  I had to overcome that discomfort for the good of my daughter and I had to get over myself real quick as not to close the line of communication with her.  Communication is key and as much as it hurt me, I had to talk to her about what happened.  

She'd already heard the sex talk and how she can get an STD or get pregnant, but now I had to get real with her and talk about the emotional complications that comes with having sex with someone.  I had to talk to her about maintaining her reputation and not tarnish her name.  I had to talk to her about being responsible and choosing a respectful and responsible partner.  I also told her that under no circumstances should she feel obligated to have sex with someone in order to make them love and accept her.  Those are the real topics that I had to cover with  her.  See, I had to get over my own hurt and anger in order to be able to cope with this new phase in my daughters life.  

While this is a very sticky topic that most people wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole it is also a very important topic that has to be discussed.  It isn't easy coming to terms that your child is now sexually active, but denying it, ignoring it and being angry about it will not help.  The only thing that will help us as parents get through these times is having an open and honest line of communication with our children and having a support system for ourselves.

TTFN!

The End

I did it.
Yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life because I typed the six letters that all aspiring writers dream of writing, the elusive The End.  Five years after I first thought of the idea, five years of agony, five years of defeat, five years of giving up, five years of starting over and finally I have completed my first book.  I am so very proud of me, because writing a book is not as easy as people may think.  It takes time, patience, dedication and lots of support to get to the point to where you are writing the end.  First, I really don't have the time, but in between poop, boogers, tantrums, teenage melt downs, pre-teen melt downs, games, practices, cleaning the house and finding time shower and spend with my husband I really don't have time left to devote towards writing.  However, I had dedication and support and with dedication I was not going to give up on my dream and with support I delegated tasks to other members of my family to get things done while I wrote.  It was hard, but not as hard as the next step.

The editing process is what is going to hurt me the most.  It is during the editing process that my tursted editor grabs his dreaded red pen and marks up my entire manuscript.  He will comb through it for grammatical errors, spelling errors, continuity error and make sure that the damn thing makes some sort of sense.  I think that this is going to be hard on me because it is like sending Januari to the daycare and she comes back with red ink all over her body because the child care expert found items that I did wrong as a mother.

Her ears aren't clean enough

She has eye crust

Her hair isn't curly enough

Her pamper stinks...

You get the drift.  Skeletons is like my 7th child and with that being said a mother thinks that when it comes to her child she knows better than anyone else.  However, I know that just as there are child care experts there are book experts and I am not a book expert so I will accept the critique with open arms because in the end this editing process will only allow my book to be the best that it can be.

TTFN

My Cast of Characters

Today is a good day...finally, after five long, hard years spilling out my blood, sweat and tears Skeletons is finally done.  I typed the final six letters The End, this morning at around 10:30am.  While I loved my fictional world, it feels great to be back to my own reality.  Speaking of my reality, my own life is like a book because my life is filled with a cast of characters and I'd like to introduce them to you.

First there is my 17 year-old daughter, Takeyha.  She is truly a character not only because she is an overly dramatic teenager, but because her personality is a combination of sassy, laid-back and ghetto. Takeyha was hit by a car when she was 7 year-old and was in a coma for two weeks while I sat at her bedside until she woke up.  My daughter is very independent, but she still thinks that my money is her money and keeps up with my paydays better than I do.  She has been looking at Chicago's Art Institute to study photography and design as far as her college plans go, but recently she said that she wanted to go to beauty school in Atlanta.  Hopefully she will make up her mind soon.

Next in line is my 13 year-old son Asa and trust me you can't get no better character than him.  Asa is into skateboarding, video games, football, basketball, baseball and any other thing that has to do with a ball.  While Asa is a clown who enjoys being the center of attention and making people laugh, he also has a spiritual side.  When one of the other kids were ill Asa was the first one to lay hands and pray for him.  Other than a professional football player I am not sure what his plans for the future are, but whatever it may be I know that he will excel at it. 

Peceful J'Nae or PJ is the third in the bunch and she is the most like me when I was her age.  Like me PJ loves to read and write; like me PJ is also a know-it-all and will argue her point until you finally either tell her to shut up or you throw up your hands in defeat and give up.  Even though PJ doesn't always smell the best, she is a very sweet girl who will go out of her way for the people that she loves and cares about. 

Next is my six year-old Javier; don't let the sweet innocense of this picture fool you Javier is an eccentric, energetic and anal kid.  Instead of playing sports like his big brother, Asa, Javier prefers to sing and dance in the hallways or to play Jedi with his foam sword; he is also into playing anything Mario or Sonic on his Wii.  Javier does not like to get dirty, he will not eat doughnuts because they make his hands sticky and he cannot take his hands being sticky.  He has to look a certain way, he will fight to the death over a pair of shorts that he fears will make him look stupid (that is exactly what he said).  While he is quirky he is also very sweet and always offers up more than enough kisses and hugs. 

Boston Michael is fifth in line and he may be small but never will be forgotten. Boston was born at 32 weeks and weighed 4lbs.  Don't let his small size fool you Boston is a force to be wreckened with.  Javier is much larger than Boston so he tends to use his size to bully Boss, however what Boston lacks in size he makes up in the ability to mind-fuck Javier with one little whispered word in Javier's ear, "stupid" or as Boston says it "tupid".  Boston isn't as outgoing as Javier, he prefers to stay quiet and keeps to himself, but he loves to play with with grandpa and eat whatever food that is put in front of him at the time.

Last but not least is Januari K'Lani who will be turning one year-old on May 22nd.  Januari was a difficult pregnancy.  I had pregnancy induced high blood pressure which resulted in pre-eclampsia and her being delivered 2 weeks before her due date.  Januari is something else!  We wanted her to be a princess, but she is more of a diva with MMA fighter abilities.  She doesn't play with the teddy bears or baby dolls that we have for her instead she prefers to play with her brothers trucks or just to climb on people in a wrestling match.  Jan is a very good baby, but sometimes her diva tendancies make her difficult to deal with.

Momma and Papa bear...Kerri and I; we have been together for over ten years and married for over eight.  Kerri is my best friend and the only person who knows the intricate workings of me. He is Steve and I am Miranda because while people think that I need a power player to compete with my mind in all actuality all I need is a simple guy who loves PS3 video games and sports to even me out.  We are like Ying and Yang so opposite that we naturally attract.  You will find me reading a book while he is playing his video game.  I love to dance to music, but he loves TV and I am quiet and shy to where is he more outgoing and loud.  

Those are my cast of characters in my life and they make the book of my life so interesting.  We have extras such as my sisters, neices, nephews, friends and parents who do their part in making my life so unique and different.  Think about your life, who are the cast of characters in it and think about how they make your life more than just black words on a white page.  

TTFN!

What's Not Being Said

Good morning, I haven't blogged in the past few days because I've been busy living!  My favorite artist, Maxwell, was once asked why he was gone from the music industry for so long only to return after 7 years and he said that he was busy traveling, exploring and living his life because it is life which inspires him.  That is what I've been doing, living and I actually got out of the house! My husband and I have a dilemma, with six kids it is hard getting them out of the house on family outings.  Not only because of the time and money, but also because the older 3, which we call the three amigos, are too old to do the things that they younger 3, the three stooges, like to do.  For example, we took them all to The Magic House last year and while the younger 2 (Januari was still in my belly) had a blast running and playing, the older 3 were giving us the bored teenager looks.  Then we took them all to The City Museum and while the teens were having a blast, the younger 2 couldn't do as much because the City Museum is aimed at kids over the age of 8 (in my opinion).
What to do? So this weekend we decided to try something different.  We took the three amigos out to dinner, we had a blast. It was different because we didn't have the distractions of wiping Boston's mouth, feeding Januari mashed potatoes, keeping Javier quiet or cleaning up spilled juice.  We actually enjoyed ourselves with the older three because they are funny and we got to talk and connect with them and it was great. Today we will be taking the 3 stooges to the zoo which is boring to the amigos, at the zoo they can run, jump, play and be loud and since we are going on a Monday we missed the crowds...even better.   We will still do things together as a family, but this is just a way that makes things a little easier on us and more fun for the kids.

My husband and I got into an argument the other day and it was not good so when I talked to my friend about it she said that it is unhealthy to argue with your mate as it causes tension and discomfort around the house.  Wow.  I think the opposite, I believe that arguing is healthy it is when you don't argue that you have an issue.  My husband and I are two different people with different interests and different ways of doing things and sometimes those differences causes us to butt heads.  For example, I am a neat freak, I don't like a bunch of mess and clutter all over the place however, my husband is more laid-back and can be a bit messy.  I have a pretty wicker clothes hamper behind our bedroom door that is meant for dirty clothes and all that I ask is that he put his dirty clothes  in the hamper.  My husband confuses our bedroom floor with hamper so when I get up in the morning I have to step on a pile of dirty clothes.  Not cool and that is a huge pet peeve of mine.  Now this isn't a cause of arguments, but it is a the cause of a dirty look or two.  Some people think that by not rocking the boat in a relationship that means that there is smooth sailing; however, that is not the case.  

Rock The Boat To Keep It Afloat

Some people think that by not rocking the boat in their relationship then they will have smooth sailings; however that is not the case.  By not discussing your thoughts and feelings with your partner you keep a lot of hurt, anger and resentment inside and over time that hurt, anger and resentment can not only harm your emotional and mental well-being, but it can also cause you physical pain and even cause you your relationship.  For example, imagine that you ride the bus to work everyday and everyday a man gets on the bus and steps on your toe, but you never say anything.  Instead you silently work your way through the pain and agony of your hurt toe and eventually you will begin to hate the man who steps on your toe, you agonize over your next bus ride and you think about it all of the time.  Now just think that if you said something to the man the first time he steps on your toe, "excuse me sir, you got my toe." I would like that unless he was socially inept he would say sorry and be more careful the next time.  That is the same way that a relationship works, if your mate does something to hurt or upset you instead of sitting back and taking it in silence, say something to him/her.  
Not being able to communicate with your partner has to be the most important aspect of your relationship. By not communicating with your partner you invalidate your feelings and you carry around those negative feelings the entire time of your relationship and soon those pent up feelings cause resentment towards your partner. That resentment may not come out verbally, but it will come out by how you relate toward your partner.  By not rocking the boat you are actually tipping the boat over in your relationship. 

Be Careful Of What You DON'T Say

By not effectively communicating with your partner you are not saying what is bothering you.  It is what's not being said that hurts a relationship. When you are walking around with resentment and ill-feelings towards your partner you tend to take it out on your partner in other ways.  Instead of communicating and facing the issue head on you nit-pick about unrelated issues that blow up into larger issues.  Walking around with resentment towards your partner can also cause you to speak negatively about your partner to other people and your unhappiness shows.  I always tell my husband that if I say or do anything that offends you please let me know immediately, don't keep it in.  I am not suggesting that you fuss and fight with your partner, but I do suggest that you talk to him/her about your issues so that instead of working through them alone you are working on them together.  A relationship is a partnership and the issues in a partnership have to be worked out with both parties so that you are both on the same page.  

Confrontation is not comfortable, but sometimes it is necessary in order for you to be happy and have an effective relationship with your mate. My husband was upset that I was spending so much time working on my book, but instead of telling me he withdrew in other areas and that withdrawal only lead to a big blow up.  In the end I asked him why didn't he just tell me how he was feeling in the first place and all of this could have been avoided.    In my upcoming book, Skeletons, Santana didn't want to confront her husband, Mike, about their issues so instead she internalized them, harbored resentment towards Mike then acted out in other ways that was detrimental to their marriage. 

Bottom line, in a relationship you have to be able to communicate with your partner to work through your issues that way no one will have to remain silent. 

You Wanna Put That Banana Where! Unleashing Your Inner Freak

Does the rubber duckie make you blush? Or does the sight of a rubber gag ball and latex turn you on? Let's face it we all have a little bit of freak lurking inside of us somewhere and there isn't anything wrong with that!  However, what happens when you cannot unleash the beast dwelling within and it affects your sex life?  What happens when your inability to turn your mate out turns your mate off?
There is nothing wrong with a little bit or a whole lot of freak in a relationship; in fact, I conducted my own survey of how kinkiness helps a relationship and most people say that they love it when their mates pulls out Pandora's box from time-to-time.  Some people love to be dressed in latex, tied up, rubber-balled and whipped while wearing nipple clamps.  Who are we to judge that is their thing.

Prudes Are Rude!

I am a strong believer in whatever someone else does in their room is their own business, but there are some who think that kink is wrong.  These prudes are the ones who I see protesting the sex shops in your local small town, they shun porn and will throw stones at you for saying that you enjoy the occasional anal probe.  It is rude to come into my home and tell me what to do in my bedroom so notice to all prudes stay the hell out!  Kink may not be for everyone so if it isn't for you thats fine just leave those who enjoy it alone to do their own kinky little thing. 

Underneath That Suit Lies A Super Freak!

Bringing out the kink isn't easy though, you have to judge when is the right time to ask your partner to put the banana in their ass, you have to wait until the right moment to show them the pink furry handcuffs and studded paddle.  Showing someone your other side takes time and finesse so don't go breaking out the animal costumes on your first date!  However, when you have been with someone for years and sex feels more like a chore than an adventure that maybe the time to take off the prude suit and show him/her the rubber thong. In my upcoming book, Skeletons, Mike and Santana have hit a plateau in their twelve-year marriage and she is feeling that after being together for so long and giving birth to two children that Mike is no longer sexually attractive to her.  This is not uncommon that after such a long relationship things start to feel stale and that is when it is time to ignite the flame once again.  

Bondage isn't for everyone, however there are other ways to keep things fresh in the bedroom.  Try a new position, watch a XXX flick with each other, break out the can of whipped cream or bottle of Nesquik, or if you both are game pour hot candle wax on each other.  The point is do something don't just let your sex life go down the drain because you are to lazy to do anything about it.  Sex is a major part of any marriage and it is important to keep things hot with your mate.  Let go of your inhibitions this is the person that you share a bed and a life with for Christ's sake!  There is nothing to be ashamed of and if you buy a stripper pole and decided to tantalize your mate with a reenactment of Playa's Club and you fall and hit your head, dust yourself off and laugh then laugh some more.  My husband and I aren't really kinky but we have done somethings that make us laugh to this day because sex is about fun and relaxation.  Sex should not be a chore. 

 Go ahead, let loose, grab the dog chain, hang the sex swing up (just take it down when the kids wake up) but most importantly have fun with one another. Oh and If you find a can of whipped cream under my bed trust me we weren't making ice cream sundaes.

TTFN!

In Defense of The Brown Cow

After reading an article this morning about certain schools are putting a ban on the brown cow or chocolate milk as some like to call it.  They say that they are banning it due to the added sugar in  chocolate milk saying that too much sugar in a child's diet can lead to obesity.  

I don't see the big deal; I doubt that chocolate milk is the cause of childhood obesity, I think that the cause of childhood obesity is fear. My husband and I took our children on a walk yesterday and we didn't see not one child outside playing, no kids passed us on their bicycles, no girls were outside playing jump rope and no little boys were throwing a football to one another.  Where were all of the kids? Inside sipping chocolate milk? I think that Americans live in a state of fear and that fear keeps us from living our lives to the fullest.  When I was growing up we played outside, we ran, we jumped, biked, we climbed, we fell, we got back up and did it all again and guess what we drank also chocolate milk! Fear is making parents keep their children in the house because they are afraid that they will fall and hurt themselves and instead of teaching them to get back up and try again they prevent them from trying at all.  Fear is making parents plan play dates instead of teaching these kids the fine art of introducing themselves to one another and playing because it is fun instead of because it was planned.  Fear is what is making parents take their children to the play ground and follow them around instead of putting him down and allowing him to play and interact on their own.  And fear is what is keeping parents from allowing their child to drink a little bit of chocolate milk with their "healthy" lunch instead of getting their kids off of the couch, laptop, PS3 or cellphone and allowing them to be actively fit and healthy.

Chocolate milk isn't what is making kids fat, laziness and fear that are making the kids fat!  I drank tons of chocolate milk as a kid and even after six kids I am  not fat!  My kids drink and enjoy chocolate milk and since we don't live in fear they get to go outside, play and explore instead of sitting around the house doing nothing.   Listen people the only thing to fear is fear; stop putting fear into these kids and start teaching them right from wrong and about making good choices.  One way to make a good choice when it comes to chocolate milk that it is good in moderation so you get your cup of that sweet molasses for the day and that is it.  I will still go to the grocery store and buy Nesquik because I'm not afraid to allow my children to go outside, play and live their lives without fear.  

Instead of banning the brown cow how about putting more money into the P.E. programs and bringing back recess or are we afraid that little Timmy will bruise his precious knee? 

 

The Conditions of Unconditional Love

 Happy Mother's Day to all of you beautiful mothers out there working hard to keep things together.  I know that I am a day late, but I think that mothers should be celebrated every single day.  Being a mother is hard work, not only because of the day-to-day duties of cooking, cleaning, laundry, wiping snot, boogers and butts but also because of the unconditional love that mothers give to their children no matter what.  When someone says, "a face that only a mother could love" that is not only an insult, but it is saying that no matter how hideous a person is their mother is guaranteed to see the beauty and still love them for that.  Mothers love their children no matter if they are short or tall; skinny or thin; ugly or pretty; or mentally or physically challenged, a mother's love can see past all of that and that love is the epitome of true love. However, can a man or a woman have unconditional love for their partner?

The Sam I Am Theory

Remember in the children's book Green Eggs And Ham by Dr. Suess, when under no conditions or circumstances was he going to eat green eggs and ham which were conveniently provided by Sam I Am.

Would you eat them in a house?

Would you eat them with a mouse?

I do not eat them in a house

I do not want them with a mouse

I do not like them here or there

I do not like them anywhere

I do not like green eggs and ham

I do not like them Sam I Am.

Now, we all are aware that at the end of the book he ended up eating the green eggs and ham (and enjoyed them) but that is not the point.  Under no conditions did he like green eggs and ham.  Let's visit that in reverse when it comes to love.  Could you love your mate like a mother loves her child, under any conditions?  For example, if your mate cheated on you does that change the love that you have for him?  Under the rules of unconditional love it sates: to love without conditions.  So if you love your cheating mate unconditionally, then you will welcome him with open arms when he comes home from his late night tryst with the girl next door, right? Wrong. If you love your partner unconditionally then that means when your partner goes out and blows his entire paycheck at the casino, mall, bar, nightclub or brothel you will smile and make him a breakfast of pancakes and eggs in the morning, right? Wrong.  If you have hearts and stars in your eyes when you see your mate, whom you love unconditionally (remember) when he tells you that he no longer loves you, your heart will still swoon for him, right? Wrong.   If you love without conditions that means just that, you love WITHOUT conditions.  Just as in Green Eggs and Ham, he wouldn't eat them under any conditions...that is until the conditions were just right and he just wanted Sam I Am to leave him alone.

Conditional Love

For the most part people do love with conditions, if not then we would accept being used, abused, cheated on, lied to and the such without question.  If people really had unconditional love for their partners then the divorce rate would drop down and relationships would not end because we would love our partner no matter what.  Loving someone no matter what is impossible for us to do because we are all different and we all have conditions in which we want to be treated and under which we want to live.  Instead of saying I love you unconditionally, just say "I love you only under the condition that you don't lie to me, you don't cheat on me, you don't steal from a me, you don't ignore me, you don't get fat, you don't spend money on bullshit and that you don't use drugs."  Who wants to say all of that to someone, that puts a lot of pressure on your soon-to-be partner, but it is the truth and isn't that what we owe one another?  The truth of the matter is we do put conditions on each other when it comes to love, but they are unspoken conditions disguised by the word unconditional because we don't think that we have to verbalize those conditions in which we are willing to put our heart out on the line for someone else. 

I love my husband, but that love is a conditional love; I love him under the conditions that are favorable to me and I am sure that he feels the same way about me.  I love my children, but that is unconditional love, I will love them if they walked out of my house and robbed Fifth-Third Bank, I would love them while I was calling the police to come and pick them up.  We don't love our romantic partners in the same way that we love our children; it is impossible.  However, that dosent' mean that we can't be in love with our partner and still want to spend the rest of our lives with that person.  That just means that we love you with conditions. 

In my upcoming book, Skeletons, Mike is struggling with rather he can still love his wife under the conditions in which is put forth in their marriage.  I am so excited about my book and I cannot wait to see it in print soon. 

TTFN!

Being A Contortionist Is Hard On Your Back! Ouch!

Hello! I love going to the circus when I can get over the smells of the elephants, camels and horses I get to enjoy the different circus acts.  Clowns, jugglers and aerial acrobatics are sure fire ways to wow a crowd, but there is one circus act that wows and amazes people time and time again and that is the act of the contortionist.  It is amazing the way that a contortionist can bend and move her body in ways that are truly unimaginable and impossible for most people, but she does it with ease and grace.  The contortionist is truly amazing.

 

I Didn't Know That I Could Bend Like That!

The act of contortion is an unusual form of physical display which involves the dramatic bending and flexing of the human body, but are you too a contortionist?  Think about in your own relationships, not only the relationship that you have with your mate, but also the relationships that you have with others.  Are you performing unusual feats by bending and flexing yourself when they stay rigid?  For example, in Sex And The City when Carrie wanted the wedding of her dreams complete with a ridiculous guest list and even more ridiculous wedding gowns, but Big who had been married before and who already had the big wedding, he just wanted something simple and low-key...even though he left her at the alter....they still got married by his terms.  Carrie showed an act of contortion by bending and flexing to meet the wants and needs of Big.  I too am guilty of being a master contortionist in my relationships, bending and flexing myself to fit inside of someone else's box.  Are you bending to fit inside of someone else's little clear box? Do you constantly find yourself rerouting your own plans in order to take a detour down their road of life? A lot of times detours takes us completely out of our way and it takes us longer to get back on track. 

OUCH! I Think I Threw My Back Out!

Think about all of that bending and flexing that the contortionist does, pretty soon their back is going to go out and they are going to be bent and flexed so much that they simply cannot bend anymore.  When you are constantly ignoring your own "to-do" list to take care of things so that someone else can check that item off of their own to-do list your list only keeps growing and growing until you haven't gotten anything accomplished.   If you are constantly changing your plans in order fit the plans of someone else then you are basically contorting your life to fit inside of someone else's life.  That constant bending, flexing, twisting, turning, leaning and molding eventually wears thin on your life.  

A Little Bit Of Bend Never Hurt Nobody

Consistent contorting can wear thin on you; however there is nothing wrong with a little bit of flex.  I flex with my husband on certain things as he does with me just as long as that flex isn't taking a toll on me and my life's goals.  There is nothing wrong with helping out your fellow man or changing your plans to hang out with your girls at the mall to hanging out with your man after he got fired from his job.  A little bit of flex is good because it shows that you care and that you want your partners in life to be successful and get the things that they desire as well.  

You Go This Way I Go That Way

In relationships we all should bend and flex a little bit because the ability and willingness of each of us to compromise.  If I meet you in your town this time the next time you meet me in my town or if we go to the restaurant of my choice this time then I'll try some sushi with you the next time.  We can get the fire engine red car however it has to have a DVD player in it because I like to watch TV on long trips.  Compromise and communication are as golden as a chiropractor is to a contortionist.  So if you find yourself with a backache think about all of the bending and contorting that you have been doing for others and untwist yourself to get your wants, needs and desires back on track!

TTFN!