What's Not Being Said

Good morning, I haven't blogged in the past few days because I've been busy living!  My favorite artist, Maxwell, was once asked why he was gone from the music industry for so long only to return after 7 years and he said that he was busy traveling, exploring and living his life because it is life which inspires him.  That is what I've been doing, living and I actually got out of the house! My husband and I have a dilemma, with six kids it is hard getting them out of the house on family outings.  Not only because of the time and money, but also because the older 3, which we call the three amigos, are too old to do the things that they younger 3, the three stooges, like to do.  For example, we took them all to The Magic House last year and while the younger 2 (Januari was still in my belly) had a blast running and playing, the older 3 were giving us the bored teenager looks.  Then we took them all to The City Museum and while the teens were having a blast, the younger 2 couldn't do as much because the City Museum is aimed at kids over the age of 8 (in my opinion).
What to do? So this weekend we decided to try something different.  We took the three amigos out to dinner, we had a blast. It was different because we didn't have the distractions of wiping Boston's mouth, feeding Januari mashed potatoes, keeping Javier quiet or cleaning up spilled juice.  We actually enjoyed ourselves with the older three because they are funny and we got to talk and connect with them and it was great. Today we will be taking the 3 stooges to the zoo which is boring to the amigos, at the zoo they can run, jump, play and be loud and since we are going on a Monday we missed the crowds...even better.   We will still do things together as a family, but this is just a way that makes things a little easier on us and more fun for the kids.

My husband and I got into an argument the other day and it was not good so when I talked to my friend about it she said that it is unhealthy to argue with your mate as it causes tension and discomfort around the house.  Wow.  I think the opposite, I believe that arguing is healthy it is when you don't argue that you have an issue.  My husband and I are two different people with different interests and different ways of doing things and sometimes those differences causes us to butt heads.  For example, I am a neat freak, I don't like a bunch of mess and clutter all over the place however, my husband is more laid-back and can be a bit messy.  I have a pretty wicker clothes hamper behind our bedroom door that is meant for dirty clothes and all that I ask is that he put his dirty clothes  in the hamper.  My husband confuses our bedroom floor with hamper so when I get up in the morning I have to step on a pile of dirty clothes.  Not cool and that is a huge pet peeve of mine.  Now this isn't a cause of arguments, but it is a the cause of a dirty look or two.  Some people think that by not rocking the boat in a relationship that means that there is smooth sailing; however, that is not the case.  

Rock The Boat To Keep It Afloat

Some people think that by not rocking the boat in their relationship then they will have smooth sailings; however that is not the case.  By not discussing your thoughts and feelings with your partner you keep a lot of hurt, anger and resentment inside and over time that hurt, anger and resentment can not only harm your emotional and mental well-being, but it can also cause you physical pain and even cause you your relationship.  For example, imagine that you ride the bus to work everyday and everyday a man gets on the bus and steps on your toe, but you never say anything.  Instead you silently work your way through the pain and agony of your hurt toe and eventually you will begin to hate the man who steps on your toe, you agonize over your next bus ride and you think about it all of the time.  Now just think that if you said something to the man the first time he steps on your toe, "excuse me sir, you got my toe." I would like that unless he was socially inept he would say sorry and be more careful the next time.  That is the same way that a relationship works, if your mate does something to hurt or upset you instead of sitting back and taking it in silence, say something to him/her.  
Not being able to communicate with your partner has to be the most important aspect of your relationship. By not communicating with your partner you invalidate your feelings and you carry around those negative feelings the entire time of your relationship and soon those pent up feelings cause resentment towards your partner. That resentment may not come out verbally, but it will come out by how you relate toward your partner.  By not rocking the boat you are actually tipping the boat over in your relationship. 

Be Careful Of What You DON'T Say

By not effectively communicating with your partner you are not saying what is bothering you.  It is what's not being said that hurts a relationship. When you are walking around with resentment and ill-feelings towards your partner you tend to take it out on your partner in other ways.  Instead of communicating and facing the issue head on you nit-pick about unrelated issues that blow up into larger issues.  Walking around with resentment towards your partner can also cause you to speak negatively about your partner to other people and your unhappiness shows.  I always tell my husband that if I say or do anything that offends you please let me know immediately, don't keep it in.  I am not suggesting that you fuss and fight with your partner, but I do suggest that you talk to him/her about your issues so that instead of working through them alone you are working on them together.  A relationship is a partnership and the issues in a partnership have to be worked out with both parties so that you are both on the same page.  

Confrontation is not comfortable, but sometimes it is necessary in order for you to be happy and have an effective relationship with your mate. My husband was upset that I was spending so much time working on my book, but instead of telling me he withdrew in other areas and that withdrawal only lead to a big blow up.  In the end I asked him why didn't he just tell me how he was feeling in the first place and all of this could have been avoided.    In my upcoming book, Skeletons, Santana didn't want to confront her husband, Mike, about their issues so instead she internalized them, harbored resentment towards Mike then acted out in other ways that was detrimental to their marriage. 

Bottom line, in a relationship you have to be able to communicate with your partner to work through your issues that way no one will have to remain silent.