The Talk

Hello everyone, I’m going to be honest with you, working on Couple’s Therapy has been almost a two year process and while I had plenty of ups and downs with this book I am proud mother of my third book.

I got my inspiration for Couple’s Therapy from my own experience of going through marriage counseling with my supportive and loving husband, Kerri. We have been married for almost eleven years and I would be less than honest in saying that we have the perfect marriage because we don’t. Kerri and I married young, we have a large family and we are two very strong-minded individuals who don’t always see eye-to-eye. He and I sought therapy because we were having a serious issue communicating with one another on top of the fact that we went through a very stressful time after the birth of our sixth child, Januari. Therapy gave us the tools that we needed to communicate with one another rather than at one another and ultimately helped us overcome our issues. Even though Kerri and I are in a much better place in our marriage, we wouldn't hesitate to go back to therapy if the water turned murky.

Speaking of professional help we thought that we were going to need it when we had to have the dreaded talk with our fourteen-year-old daughter recently. Now don’t get me wrong, we have had the talk with our now nineteen-year-old and our now sixteen-year-old, but I cannot stress to parents the importance of treating your children as individuals and approaching them in ways that are suited for them. The approach that we used with our two older children would not have worked for our fourteen year old daughter because she is a totally different type of kid.

Peaceful is a very bright and brilliant young girl who is the epitome of a Disney kid. She has a personality that lights up a room and trust me once people meet her she is hard to forget. My great-grandmother was in her late 90’s before she passed and when I came to visit her she asked about Peaceful. Not many kids get the opportunity to meet their great-great-grandmother, but not only did PJ get to meet Grandma, but she was also the only one out of six of my children that she remembered!

Now that PJ is headed to high school in August and we've noticed a few not so subtle changes that have been occurring. First, this tall kid walked into my bedroom and began to talk and all that I noticed were legs that seemed to go on for miles then I noticed that she has hips, a definite waist line and BOOBS! My Disney baby now has a body! While I noticed the changes in her body my husband saw that she has begun to take an interest in boys and have even caught her chatting and texting a few boys from time-to-time. With our new findings we decided that it was time to have the talk with our sweetheart.

We consider ourselves experts being that we have been on the emotional roller coaster of raising a teenager a few times and have had the talk with our other kids, but then again our two older kids aren't as quirky as the fourteen-year-old so this talk was somewhat challenging and we were prepared.

The thing to remember when discussing sex with your teenagers is that you have to be comfortable and honest. The worse thing that a parent can do when discussing sex with their kids is simply telling them not to have sex. Trust me parents that does NOT work. . My parents told me not to do it, I did it and I have a nineteen-year-old to prove that simply telling your kid not to have sex does not work. We all know that when a child hears the word no they are more drawn to what it is they are being told not to do.  

Also, parents try not to make a big to-do about the talk. It is just sex; you aren't giving them the nuclear launch codes.  I have a friend who found a condom in her sixteen-year-old son’s bedroom and they decided that it was time to have the talk with him by her husband taking him on a drive. It felt as if he were a rabid dog about to be put out of his misery. Parents the big production is not necessary!

In my opinion it is best to approach the talk by having a glass of wine beforehand so that you are nice and relaxed as possible. While you and the kid are alone I suggest just approaching the conversation as light hearted as possible and simply ask him/her if they’d thought about sex. This can be done while running errands, while eating pizza or even while lounging around the house doing nothing. The point is to make an already uncomfortable situation slightly more comfortable. One simple question will get the ball rolling, “Hey honey, have you thought about sex?” I know that it sounds kind of weird because it is a weird question coming from your parent, but it is an open question that will probably turn a few faces red, but once you get the conversation started your embarrassment will go away. Let them know that sex is a normal part of life and that while you don’t condone teenage sex you want to make sure that they are responsible.

The key word here is RESPONSIBILITY.

I am not condoning teenage sex, but I do condone RESPONSIBILITY and that means that if my kids are going to be sexually active they are going to be responsible. Yes we talk to them about STDs, teenage pregnancy, gaining a bad reputation or having their heartbroken, but by teaching them how to be responsible they can almost eliminate all of those problems.  What we wanted them to understand was that we understood what they were going through because we were not born adults and we went through the same feelings at one point. We want our children to understand that while it is uncomfortable we want them to come to us when they felt that they were ready to have sex. I would rather my children come to me than to learn from their friends.

I can’t police my teenager’s bodies because I cannot be around them 24/7 and I want to be comfortable in knowing that I taught my kids how to make their own decisions in life by making the right choices. We showed my son and daughter the proper way to open and put on a condom (bananas make for a great prop). We advised him on the proper method of flushing the used condom. My husband drilled into my son’s head that if a girl says no that means NO. My girls know about birth control and how no matter how much a guy tells you that he loves you those feeling can change after he gets what he wants and that babies have the magical ability to change minds almost immediately.

I remember getting a lot of criticism for putting my daughter on birth control at the age of thirteen, but six years later I am not a grandmother so I think that I made the right decision. Some said that by putting my daughter on birth control I was giving her permission to have sex. I said what a load of bullshit because these kids are going to have sex regardless if we put them on birth control or not. We were elated when our son came to us and told us that he and his girlfriend were thinking about having sex and asked if we could purchase him a package of condoms. No we were not happy that he was having sex and we told him that we didn't condone teenagers being sexually active, but we were happy that he trusted us enough to come to us when he was ready.

OMG TEENAGERS DO LISTEN!

Let’s be real, we cannot stop our teenagers from being sexually active any more than our parents did to stop us. Where there is a will

teenagers will find a way. I know it is a hard pill to swallow, but its best that you gulp real hard and get it out of the way. You will save yourself a whole lot of headache. Parents I implore you to talk to your kids like they are human beings and remember that you were once in the same place no matter how long ago.