Crossing The Finish Line Does Not Always Mean You Won

Good morning and Happy Belated Memorial Day! I did not get the chance to post last week because for some reason I had a sever case of vertigo so my doctor told me to get Meclizine which took away the vertigo but left me feeling like a zombie. I think that I slept 16 hours that day. Now I'm back in full effect. I've been writing my ass off working on my upcoming book and I'm so happy that I ran across a Stephen King quote that helped me stick with this book and not put it away:

“Stopping a piece of work just because it’s hard, either emotionally or imaginatively, is a bad idea. Sometimes you need to go on when you don’t feel like it and sometimes you’re doing good work when it feels like all you’re managing is to shovel shit from a sitting position.” 

Stephen King

This quote moved me because before publishing Skeletons I'd been writing since I was in grade school, but I didn't have the confidence to put anything out there. I remember when I moved out of my mother's house I had at least 15 spiral notebooks full of short stories or books that I'd started but never finished. I began Skeletons in 2005, but because I kept starting and stopping, starting and stopping I didn't complete it until 2011. I didn't have all of the tools that I needed to become successful. I thought that self-publishing was too expensive and that no one reads self-published books. I didn't know any other writers who I could fellowship with and learn from. That made it frustrating so I stopped. I wasn't serious, but I wanted to be taken seriously.

First, I had to take my writing seriously. I had to read more, not read more fiction because I'd been doing that since I was a kid. I had to read more on my craft. So I went to the library I borrowed books on writing. I logged into the interned and I read blog posts on self-publishing that I could. Lastly I enlisted help. I asked questions. I researched. I cashed in favors from people that owed me them just to get them to watch the kids so that I could get in some writing time. I was not stopping.

I finished. Skeletons was published on September 18, 2011. I did it. Now I'm at it again and this time I'm more organized and knowledgeable. This time I have Stephen Kings quote right above my television so every morning when I wake up to the Today Show I read that quote. This time there is no starting  then stopping...nope this time I look at my writing quota of 2.500 words a day and sometimes I meet it, sometimes I don't, but sometimes I surprise myself and pass it. I set a deadline and by hook or crook I will meet that deadline because I take my writing seriously and I want to be successful and successful people don't quit!

Whew. 

Okay so now that I got that out of the way on to the topic of today's blog:

Crossing The Finish Line Does Not Always Mean You Have Won

The sweat has been pouring down your face since the first lap. Your heart is pounding so hard that it feels as if it is going to jump out of your chest and run its own race. Your knees feel like they are just going to give out. You feel a cramp coming on. No matter how much you try to control it your breathing is harsh and ragged and you feel as if you just want to give up. The woman to your left is getting tired, she doesn't want to deal with it any more  you throw her a smirk of victory as she slows down and stops. The woman to your right quit before the second lap. Now you are are the last man standing, you give it all that you got until finally he agrees and makes you his. You've crossed the finish line...you won!

Or did you?

A friend of mine was in a similar race, not a race for a gold medal, but a race for someone's heart. She ran and fought for as long as she could as both women played games with each other and spread nasty gossip around town. Until one day my friend gave up. She quit in the final lap. She said that she was tired and that she just couldn't run anymore and she allowed the other woman to cross the finish line into victory. The other woman did it, she ran a good race, she stuck in there and lasted the longest until he caved and she won. However is a win by default considered a victory?

Winning by default is basically when you win not because you were the best candidate or that you fought the best fight, a win by default is when you win because either the other players gave up, didn't show up or because they cheated. In a relationship a person wins by default when the other players just throw in the towel. Some do it early on. When she finds out that the man has another woman and she knows that she cannot deal with being his #2 or #3 she quickly throws in the white towel and moves on. Some woman stick around a bit longer  because she really likes the guy or because he has told her that he was in the middle of breaking things off with the old woman and he just needs some time to settle things. She will stick around for a bit until she realizes that he was full of shit then she too throws in her towel. There are some women who will stick around until the very last stretch of the race. They have believed all of his lies, they feel as if they love him so much that they just can't let the other woman take him from them. Until she finally gets tired. She gets tired of the lies. She gets tired of lying in bed alone at night wondering if he is with the other woman. She gets tired of her phone calls or text messages being ignored because "he missed them." and she just gets tired of the foolishness that goes on with the other woman. In the very last stretch she tosses her towel allowing the other woman to cross the finish line. 

The other woman has won. You watch as she smiles and laughs as she accepts her prize...the man that she wanted all of this time. The One. Yeah he is a liar and a cheater, but she is now her liar and cheater. Not because he wanted her all  along. Na, men don't work that way. She won by default. She won because no one else wanted to deal with it any longer so they quit. Quickly her victorious win only gets her a copper metal. Congrats. Now look at her, she is exhausted, her feet hurt, her toes are swollen and blistered and she cannot trust him because she knows what type of man that she is dealing with, but that does not matter because she got the ring. She got him. 

That is until another candidate comes along, but the catch here is that she won't have to run a race to keep him. He will choose her as the winner. She won't have to take home the default prize because he will tell the default winner that he can't do this anymore and that he has falling in love with someone that he really wants to be with and how she should just move on with her life. 

Guess what?

Race is over. Pack your bags and go home....being the winner by default is oftentimes being the loser by choice.

TTYL

Are Bad Girls The New Feminine?

I must admit, I watch television...lots of television, almost too much T.V. On one hand I love shows with great writing such as The Wire or shows with vibrant characters such as on Sex In The City and Game of Thrones. I also like shows that have lots of wit, sarcasm and humor such as on Seinfield or Curb Your Enthusiasm.  On the other hand I also watch shows with very little writing, no plots and silly drama that is so far fetched from reality that it is an oxymoron that these shows are even labeled as 'reality' television shows. Yet as much as I hate them, as much as they turn my stomach, I cannot seem to turn the channel from my favorite reality television shows. 

I'm not a fan of talent shows such as American Idol, Americas Got Talent, The Voice or Dancing With The Stars. I'm not interested in people being stranded on an island without food, water or suitable clothing as in Survivor. And I'm sorry people I don't dig dating shows that are more about swapping spit and being catty as in The Batchelor. Nope I don't dig reality television shows that actually have some sort of a premise, I only go for the shows that have no point whatsoever. 

I'm talking about shows that put women in such a bad light that it is sickening. I'm talking about shows such as The Bad Girls Club where they put eight young females who are already emotionally, mentally and spirituality void in a house with no television, one telephone, one computer and plenty of alcohol and sit back and watch them explode! I'm talking about shows where you get a group of bully's together to push around their so called 'friends' such as Basketball Wives where none of the women are or ever were an actually basketball wife! I am talking about a show that was supposed to be about Love & Hip Hop that actually showed no love or hip hop! Those are my type of shows! 

No Point. 

No writing. 

No creativity.

No talent.

Nothing but a waste of time. 

But each and every week I tune in faithfully just to see what new drama unfolds. Not because I care, because I really don't and not because I don't have my own drama because c'mon I have six children so I have my fair share of drama. I watch because I am amazed. I am amazed by how extremely tough some woman can be. I am amazed by how women decked out in designer clothes, red-bottoms and three-hundred dollar hairdos can stoop lower than a bum on the street. In my amazement I wonder...Are Bad Girls The New Feminine? 

When I think of femininity I think of the famous painting, The Birth Of Venus by Sondro Botticelli. I think of soft curves, flowing hair, smooth breasts, long legs and a peacefulness that cannot be broken. Femininity to me is one thing, besides a vagina and breast, that makes women different then men. Most men cannot be feminine and as much as some may try a man will never have the softness of a woman. I think of women as nurturing, loving and peaceful. I don't think of women out drinking a man,  out smoking him, out cursing him or out fighting him. Hell if a woman can do all of that what is the use of her having a man? 

If my mom taught us anything, she taught us how to remain a lady and I think that I have done a very good job of it. Yes there were times when I drank too much or partied too hard, but there was never a time that I was not a lady. There were times when I had to curse someone clean out, but I remained my position as a lady while doing so. My femininity is very important to me as it is something that I will never let go of because my femininity is my God-given gift and it cannot be duplicated by no man. My femininity is important to me because when my husband lays next to me at night, he loves the softness of my skin, my delicate touch and the way that I speak to him as a woman should. That is why my femininity is important to me. 

When I see these girls acting foolish while forgetting their femininity for our entertainment I think that these ladies are lost. They lost what it is to be female. I will be the first one to admit it, I am not a fighter. I cannot see myself coming face-to-face fist-to-fist with another female. I think that the last time I had a major scuffle with a female was when I was in the 6th grade and even that proved to be pointless because we were friends again the next day. At that time I think that I needed to prove a point. I had to prove that I was tough enough and sometimes I think that is what these woman seem to believe. They want to prove a point to the world that they are tough enough. 

Why do these women feel the need to let the world know that they can black another female's eye or bust a bottle over her head? What point does that prove? Then when it is all said and done and they have a moment to reflect they always say that they were just upset or they have anger management issues or they were abused as a child or they had to much to drink. It is always the same thing. If only they knew the tough bitch is the one that takes accountability for her own ignorant actions and stands on her on two about what she did while admitting that it was wrong. 

If a woman wants to prove that she is tough enough I want her to try breastfeeding a screaming baby at two, four, six and eight o'clock in the morning. That is a gangsta woman in my eyes. How about standing strong for your man when he is down and out between jobs while bills are piling up. In my eyes being tough is standing up for what you think is right, but instead of using your fists you use your intellect. A real bad girl is the one working two jobs to support her family not because she wants to but because she has no other choice. The baddest bitch is the one who protects her children from immanent death as a tornado rips apart their home from around them but ends up losing her own legs in the process. That is one bad bitch.

Ladies, remember never lose your femininity.

TTYL

Why So Serious? Putting the Fun Back Into Love

Hey guys and happy Tuesday! I first want to thank each and everyone of you that have taken the time to not only read my blog, but also who have read my debut novel Skeletons! It almost amazes me every day that I actually finished a book and had the fortitude to get it out of my computer and into the hands of over 5,000 plus so far! I'm still in shock when someone comes up to me and says, "I loved the book." I almost turn around to see if they were talking to someone behind me because I never knew that I would be in this position. While Skeletons is doing very good in cyber space I really want to get out there and get some paperback book sold (yes they still make paperback books) so I'm putting together a street team to help not only promote my books, but also sale them! I'm excited on this new venture and things are coming alone very well. I know that you want to get to the meat and potatoes of this blog, but I really wanted to thank you....thanks :)

Why So Serious? 

This term was made popular when said by the Joker as portrayed by Heath Ledger in 2008's rendition of The Dark Knight, but for the purpose of this blog I used this line to ask that of the serious couples out there....Why So Serious?

Many moons ago at my husband's and my wedding we were young, carefree and joking around laughing and smiling at not only ourselves, but at the whole situation and the Pastor, may he rest in peace, said, "Marriage is serious business, it's time to get serious." We both buckled down and decided to get serious because that was what we were supposed to do, but why? Why does marriage and relationships have to be so damn serious? 

Not saying that a marriage isn't to be taken seriously, no that is not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is why do some married people have to act so serious with one another all of the damn time. You know who I'm talking about, the couple that you don't like going on double dates with because they take themselves so seriously that they have forgotten how to have fun. You make a joke, they don't laugh. You tell a funny story, but they sit and stare blankly. You invite them to a couple's Halloween party, but they don't dress up. They don't want to talk about the last episode of Game of Thrones or whatever television show that almost everyone enjoys, no they want to talk about how they handle the bills or how work is putting a damper on their free time etc...those are the couples that have taken this whole marriage thing a little to seriously and have forgotten how to enjoy themselves. 

This is the couple that are in the restaurant not talking to one another, not laughing, not smiling, not holding hands or playing footsie underneath the table. To them marriage is not fun and exciting, but it is a chore like ironing clothes or getting ready to go to work in the morning. It is something that you have gotten in the routine doing so you just do it. Marriage to them is more like a long term business deal instead of a loving union. This is not the couple that have forgotten what it is like to be young and carefree.

Why So Serious?

Look I know that living an adult life is serious business. We have children to raise, bills to pay, deadlines to meet at work and in-laws to avoid. Yes, marriage is serious and I take my marriage seriously however, I don't take it so serious that I have forgotten that inside of this 30 something year old body lives a 16 year old girl who is fully of laughs and who still wants to have fun!

 A lot of people have forgotten how to be that fun, vibrant person that they were when they first met their spouse. There is nothing wrong with that because when we go through life we do change, so instead of that reckless twenty-something who would get it in behind the bushes at the public park we are responsible and cautious thirty or forty-somethings who know that getting it on behind the bushes requires us to bend in positions that might hurt our backs or irritate our carpel tunnel syndrome. However that does not mean that we cannot have fun. Instead of shagging behind the bushes at the park we have some extra money to get a hotel room and pretend to meet one another at the bar for the first time; he is James Bond and you are Pussy Galore and you get it on in other ways, but the point is you have fun with one another. 

I refuse to live the rest of my life being bored out of my mind. I want to live my life and have fun doing it. My husband and I are very goofy and that makes things between us so much more fun because we don't care what other people think about us wrestling and tickling one another until we piss our pants because that is just us. When we argue we spend most of the time laughing about how absurd we really are rather than actually arguing. When we are invited to a Halloween party we dress up for the occasion, we want to be at the baseball games cheering in the stands bumping our chests against one another. We actually enjoy visiting the Hustler sex shop just to see how large a dildo gets (trust me they get very large) or holding hands to walk along an exclusive neighborhood that we know we can't afford.   And I absolutely refuse to sit at a restaurant with my husband looking like a sour puss...I want to have fun. 

Yes marriage is serious business, but when you find yourself being more serious than silly ask yourself...Why So Serious?

TTYL

I Love Me: Being Selfish In Love

Being Selfish In Love

Is there ever a time to be selfish in life? When we are young we are taught to share our toys with either or siblings, neighborhood kids or our pesky cousins. When we get into our teens we have to share our time with our friends and family. Then when we become an adult we have to share our space with the rest of the world. When is there ever a time for us to be selfish? I'll tell you the most important time to be selfish is when you are selfish in love. 

Yeah, I said it. Sue me...you won't get much. 

After all of these years I have finally figured it out...it is not what I give another person that will make him happy. It is not what I give another person that will make me happy, but it is what I have given to myself that will make me happy and when I'm happy hopefully he is happy as well because he is also giving to himself. 

Look there is nothing wrong with being selfish in love. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about being selfish with your heart. What I'm saying is that being selfish in love is knowing exactly who you are, what you want and how you want it. Think about all of those years you have wasted trying to make someone else happy. Giving someone else what they wanted. Doing what made someone else happy. Being the person that someone else wanted you to be. Were you ever truly happy? 

I love myself. I adore Shimeka. I think that I am the cat's meow. I think that I

am the shit. I think that I am  what's up. I love the shit out of me and I'm  not 

ashamed to admit it.  I am not conceited. I'm convinced. 

What I have learned in my thirty-five years of life is that when I lived for the love and acceptance of another person, I was not happy. I fought for them to love me back. However, when I started to just love me and do what made me happy that is when I was truly happiest. I wanted to go to Chicago so I went. I wanted to quit my job and write a book. So I did it. I wanted to chop all of my hair off and go natural. So I did it. I wanted to get my degree. So I did. I did what I wanted to do at all cost and guess what I finally knew what made me happy. The way that I see it we are here for just a short time and if we spend 85% of that time trying to please another person, that leaves very little time for us to please ourselves.   

People will try to make you feel like crap for living the life that you want to live and they will shun you for being selfish, but that is because they are to coward to step outside of the box and live the life that they want to live the way that they want to live it. I'm not talking about doing anything crazy, illegal or something that will make your spouse want to leave you or your children ashamed. What I'm talking about is doing the things that you have always wanted to do. I am talking about having a love affair with yourself and loving each and every moment of it. 

What happens when you stop loving someone else and begin that love affair with yourself? You stop putting up with someone else's bullshit; loving them they are loving themselves. When you start putting you first and loving yourself you no longer feel the need for another person's validation. When you validate yourself and love yourself you start to notice the things that you will and will not put up with. You start to let your voice be known. You start to let people know who you are and what you are about. When you love yourself you will not put up with someone treating you the way that they want to treat you and you will demand that they treat you the way that you want to be treated. 

When you love you, you won't have to worry about your heart being broken because you love you so much that you won't stick around for your heart to even get a crack. When you love yourself you won't cry over him/her at night because you love you too much for that. Loving yourself makes you hold your head up high. It puts a pep in your step. A swing in your arms and a whistle upon your lips. 

There is nothing wrong with being selfish in love because it allows us to hold ourselves accountable for how we allow another person to treat us. There is nothing wrong with loving someone else, but when you love yourself you no longer hold another person accountable for how they treat you because you love yourself to much to allow nonsense in your life. I will be the first to admit I am a selfish lover and I want my husband to be equally as selfish. I want him to live his life the way that he wants to live it because he has to make himself happy before he can make me happy. I have to live my life the way that I see fit because I have to make myself happy before I can make anyone else happy. Luckily we both want to live our lives together and right now we are happy and we make one another happy.  That is what being in love with yourself does it you....

TTYL