Be careful of The X Files

Good morning!
Have you ever told a close friend something that you thought that would remain between you, but when you and that friend have a falling out you find out that that friend told everyone about your secret? I like to call that pulling out an X-File.

In my book, Skeletons, Jovanna, Santana and Asteria are all running fro secrets that they thought were hidden only to find out that no secret remains a secret for very long and they were all hoping that someone didn't pull out their X File and revel their secrets. 
We all have an X file on damn near everyone that is close to us and in most cases X Files can be harmless little tidbits that our friends have told us and sworn us to secrecy such as,

"I'm not really a size 8 I'm a size 10."

"This isn't my real hair, I get sew-in weaves, but it looks natural right?"

"I told my man that I didn't go shopping last week, but I did."

These types of X Files are essentially harmless therefore we file them in our file cabinet and forget about them as we would a terminated account from two years ago. However there are some X Files that are so damaging that if pulled and placed on someone's desk would cause a global fallout in that person's life. For example, 


"I've been sleeping with my husband's boss and that is why he got a large raise."
"My electric bill was due so I took money from the job, no one will ever miss it."
"I don't think that Little Trey is actually Trey's son, I think he is Mikes."
"I have herpes, but my Marcus doesn't know yet."


These are the type of X Files that need to be kept hidden, as a matter of fact they need to be burned! Unfortunately our brains don't come with a fire pit therefore when we are told a scandalous secrets we retain the information and lock put it away in our X File drawer never to open it again. However, the thing about X Files is that while you may tell your friend your secret thinking that she will never tell there is a large possibility that your friend will tell. I am about to be honest, I tell my husband things about my friends that they swore me to secrecy on. That is only because half of the time my husband isn't listening and the other half of the time he could care less about what is going on in my friend's lives that he forgets as soon as I tell him.

Yet there are some times when a person has a falling out with the friend who holds the key to their X File cabinet and that friend will begin to take out those files and use them against you! She will tell your man about his boss, she will tell your job about the money, she will tell Trey to go get a DNa on Little Trey and she will even tell what happened in Vegas. 

That is what I like to call pulling the X File. 

When someone pulls your X File on you it can disrupt your whole life, leaving you exposed and in the position to explain to people what happened. In some cases when your X File is pulled it will only leave you with the red face of shame and the need to apologize. However, there are other times when the X File can cost you the loss of your mate, the loss of your job and the loss of your reputation. These files are dangerous and should only be trusted with a person that you can trust with your life. 

YOU CANNOT TELL EVERYONE EVERYTHING

I know that you have information that you are just dying to tell your BFF, but you have to take several factors into account. You have to first know your friend. If she is telling you things about other friends then she is most likely telling those friends things about you as well. If she is a vindictive person who has done something awful to get back at someone what makes you think that she won't do the same to you? 

What about you?

We all have an X file on our friends, family and loved ones, but if someone swears you to secrecy do both of you a favor and once that file goes into the cabinet, keep it there. Unless you want yours pulled as well.

The truth is out there....

TTYL!

Skeletons is Now On Kindle

Hey,
Just stopping by to let you know that while book sales are going great...I wanted to expand my reach to those with ereaders so I am happy to announce that my debut novel, Skeletons, is now available on Kindle and Nook for $1.99! Get your copy today!

Thanks!

The Cat's Out The Bag Skeletons Released TODAY

Hello, I know that it has been awhile since I last blogged, but I've been busy, busy, busy. Today was the day that my debut novel, Skeletons, was released. This has been a long time in the making and I have shed many tears, but my dream has finally come true.
I can hardly believe that six years ago I put my pen to paper and began to pen the first lines of Skeletons:
I Hate Mondays...
Although a lot of the book has changed over the years with rewrites and the such, those three words have always stayed the same. It was with those three words that an idea and a dream was born therefore I could not change them.
Friday, September 16th was the pre-release party and not only was the turn out pretty good, but I sold out of books! It's unimaginable to think that people actually want to read what I have to say! I am grateful and thankful that so many people believed in me when I didn't even believe in my own self. I am also blessed to have the strong support system that I have in my friends and family without them I would have given up a long time ago.
Even though Skeletons is complete and in print and I have reached my goal, I am not going to stop doing what I love and what God annointed me with the creativity and talent to do. I am working on two additional books, M.V.P... and All That Glitters once of which will be released in January 2012.
Thank you for your support!

To purchase a copy of Skeletons go to www.amazon.com or https://www.createspace.com/3632083

HEAR YE HEAR YE! The Power Of Promoting

Hello world! Only 4 more weeks until the release of my debut novel, Skeletons, and I have to say that I have been so busy lately. I had the misconception that once I wrote the book the hard part was done, boy was I wrong. Not only editing, revising, editing again, revising again I also have to remember that in order for my book to sell people have to know about it and in order for people to know about it I have to promote it.
That should be a no-brainer, right? Wrong.  I have come across some fantastic reads that I'd never heard of because the author didn't market and promote. I'm not talking about uploading their book to amazon.com then every once and a while putting something on Facebook and Twitter about their book and sit back while waiting for their book to sell on it's own. That isn't promoting. Finding your target market for your product or service then getting out there like the town crier to yell to them:
"HEAR YE HEAR YE.....!"
That is promoting.
Why do you think that companies such as Nike, Pepsi, Kellogs and Haynes are not only popular brands, but also very profitable? Not because they put their products on a shelf and sat on their arses. No they are popular and profitable because at any given moment in your day you are exposed to one or more of their products.  Nike's Swoosh symbol is everywhere in the sports that we watch and they have some of the coolest commercials. Pepsi promotes their products on tv by clever product placement and throughout grocery stores. You get my drift. You have to promote in order for people to know that you exist.

 

I have been so busy promoting that today I just needed a break. I needed a break from traveling to different communities talking to different people about Skeletons. I needed a break from putting put postcards, posters and asking businesses to support my book by allowing me to place posters and/or postcards at their establishment. I am shy so I hate talking to people about my book, but with the help of my chatty-Kathy husband, he acts as the ice breaker then I go into my spiel. I don't like to take up much of people's time and slowly I am getting out of my old comfort zone and easing into a new comfort zone of being able to talk about my book to strangers.
I haven't been doing all of the foot work on my own, luckily I have six beautiful children three of which are teens who don't mind getting a handful of postcards and handing them to people and putting them on mail boxes, bulletin board and helping hang posters.
In order for any business to stay in business and to be profitable at their business they have to promote their product.  After all if you aren't your own biggest cheerleader how in the world do you expect anyone else to root for your team?

TTFN!

HEAR YE HEAR YE! The Power Of Promoting

Hello world! Only 4 more weeks until the release of my debut novel, Skeletons, and I have to say that I have been so busy lately. I had the misconception that once I wrote the book the hard part was done, boy was I wrong. Not only editing, revising, editing again, revising again I also have to remember that in order for my book to sell people have to know about it and in order for people to know about it I have to promote it.
That should be a no-brainer, right? Wrong.  I have come across some fantastic reads that I'd never heard of because the author didn't market and promote. I'm not talking about uploading their book to amazon.com then every once and a while putting something on Facebook and Twitter about their book and sit back while waiting for their book to sell on it's own. That isn't promoting. 

The News!

Hi everyone, once again I apologize for the brief hiatus but I have been so busy wrapping up Skeletons that I seem to have forgotten about space, time, showering, combing my hair and brushing my teeth so just imagine what spot on my totem pole that blogging has been.

Nevertheless I finish what I set out to finish when I was just a wide-eyed twelve-year old in the sixth grade: writing and publishing my first book.  It has been a long journey, but part of any journey is walking the road and let me tell you the road to becoming a self-published author is not a smooth one.  I read a blog from another self-published author who said that writing the book was the easy part and that is the truth!  Being that I am a creative thinker the writing part came easy, the ideas and words poured out of me like the salt poured out the the container from the Mortin salt girl. Dumb analogy, but you get my point I'm sure.
After finishing Skeletons, I had to set out on the journey of sending it to  a few unbiased people to read it over just to ensure that it made sense and that it kept their attention; after all who wants to read a book that makes no sense and you lose interest after the fifth page?  I also wanted to know their honest opinions on what they thought of the story.  So needless to say my dad did not get a copy of the book because he is kind of partial to his little Princess.  After five honest reviews of the unedited draft of Skeletons, I took some of their thoughts and opinions into consideration, revised, then off to the editor it went.
Waiting on the editor to finish editing my book was such a long process so while he worked his dreaded red pen I began the task of setting up my very own publishing company, Six Kids & A Pen Publishing.  After all to be considered an actually self-publisher you kind of have to have some sort of a publishing entity in the publishing world.  When people ask me if it was hard to set my company I tell them that it was easy as pie, but you had to have the right information so that you can know exactly what you need.  First I obtained my ISBN numbers and bar code, then I established my LCCN number from the Library of Congress, I also had to get a tax ID number and last but not least I had to register with my state in order to do business in the state of Illinois.  I wanted to make sure that I dotted all of my i's and crossed all of my t's.
While I was doing that I contacted a graphic designer to design my cover which I am proud to unveil for the first time on my blog:

After one one or two revisions we finally got it right and I have to say for my first book cover it is pretty snazzy.
Once the editor handed me my baby back I began the fun task of another round of revisions (yeah!!!!!) which took like a week because it is hard to revise accurately with a one year-old stuck to your hip.  Then came the task of finding someone to handle the interior layout of my book (who knew that people actually designed book interiors?).  Since I'd rather put my money elsewhere, I'm pretty computer literate and I have inDesign and Photoshop I decided to tackle this task myself.  Let me tell you book design isn't for the lazy or the people who lack attention to detail.  While designing the interior of my book there were times that I wanted to rip part of my afro out while running out of the room screaming.  IT WAS DIFFICULT, but I stayed task and I didn't give up.  I also learned a lot from www.youtube.com and www.thebookdesigner.com which is a blog that I follow religiously.  I was very proud when I finally saved my book as a Pdf file.
Once I finished that I finally uploaded my baby to the outlets that I am using for printing and distribution.  While I waited for those to be approved and for my proofs to be sent out to me I set up my facebook fan page at www.facebook.com/skeletons2011 (if you have facebook be sure to click the like button to follow my page).  

Now it is time for me to sit back and relax, right?  WRONG! No relaxing, while I wait for the proofs to get here, I have to market and promote my book!  It was a sweltering 105 degrees outside while my husband an myself distributed postcards throughout our community then we went to another state to distribute to their communities.  Whew!  Promotion is very important because how can someone know that my book exists if they don't know that it exists?  While I promote my book, school is set to begin on August 17th so I have a slew of doctor and dentist appointments as well as school shopping, school registrations and meet and greeting the teachers for this year.
I haven't forgotten about my blog, but I have just been so busy that I have no time to do anything for myself (I swear if you saw my toes, they have been begging for a pedicure for weeks).   So thanks for following me through my journey, it has been a long, but exciting one and I hope that you stick around for the second part after Skeletons goes into publication on 09/18/2011.  Don't forget to visit my Facebook page at www.facebook.com/skeletons2011 and click Like with the tumbs up and stop by my Twitter page at www.twitter.com/sixkids_pen or just click one of the follow buttons on the right!

TTFN!

How Comfy is Too Comfy?

Okay, so here is the scenario, you wake up one morning with your bladder full of Moscato, Patron or root beer so you make a mad dash to the bathroom, but the door is closed.  After knocking your honey opens the door with his face covered in shaving cream and a towel wrapped around his waste.  Your bladder is about to explode, but he is trying to get ready for work, what do you do?

A.  You make him get out while your relieve yourself
B.  You push him aside and plop down on the toilet while he finishes his shave
C.  You roll your eyes and run outside to squat and hope that your neighbors don't catch you

How comfortable are you in your relationship and is there even a such thing as being too comfortable?

When I was growing up my mother and grandmother were on this whole 'lady-like' kick where a lady didn't let a man know that she has normal body functions.  I was told that you never burp, pick your nose, fart, scratch, dig your panties out of your butt or use the bathroom in front of a man.  A woman never allows a man to see her unmentionables in the dirty clothes, she never leave your tampon or pad papers in the garbage (no matter how tightly rolled they are) when a man is in the house and a woman holds whatever it is that her body wants to do until the man leaves (no matter how painful it is) or she politely excuses herself from the room to handle her business.  
I went through nine years of torture with my first serious relationship; for nine years he didn't know that I picked my nose, he didn't know that I had farts that could clear a room and for nine years he never knew if I had a bowel movement that size of Texas!  The problem was I was taught not to get so comfortable in your relationship that you compromised your femininity.  On the other hand men don't hold themselves to those type of constraints, they will cut one loose that will burn down a house without even batting an eye.
Now my husband, on the other hand, he gets to know the real me.  He knows that I blow my nose when I'm sick or when I get out of the shower, he knows that I can clear a building with my chili cheese gas and he has seen me been int he bathroom while I did the #1 (#2 ummm no) hell some of our decisions are made while one of use is relieving ourselves.  What is the big deal?  My husband has seen my vagina transform from something the size of a lime to something the size of a MAC truck during childbirth! My husband has seen my uterus!  My husband was the one who took care of me after I had our last child that that included wiping up various blood clots off of the bathroom floor!  So to think that I can't even pass gas in front of him is absurd!
On the other hand I know couples who go all out with the comfort and will have bowel movements with the other one standing right there.  That is too comfy for me.  First of all I do my best thinking on the toilet and secondly I have smelled the bathroom after my husband has destroyed our sewer system and if it smells that bad after the fact I certainly do not want to be in there during the fact!

The thing is being comfortable enough to let it all hang out and be yourself in your relationship depends upon your own comfort level with yourself.  Are you comfortable being yourself in front of your man?  If you can't love you and your bodily functions how in the world do you expect someone else to?  I am not saying fart around the guy on your first date, but what I am saying is don't put so much stress on yourself to be perfect.   I think that in relationships it is important to be who you are early on because you can't fake the funk forever.

TTFN!

Are You The Old Person In The Club? Time To Hang Up Your Disco Shoes!

Okay, it was my husband's 30th birthday so my sister, her husband and I decided to hang up our mommy and daddy hats and lace up our dancing shoes for a wild night out on the town to celebrate my honey turning 30!  I remember my sister and I hitting up the club scene every day but Sunday when I was in my 20s, but all of that changed when children and responsibilities were the things to keep us up at night instead of the bright lights and loud music of the nightlife.
When I use to go out we called our friends to see if they would join, but now my husband and I called a babysitter to see if she was available!  Instead of the hot pink crochet top (that I had to adjust to hide my nipples) that stopped right above my navel and left my back completely bare with a pair of skin tight jeans and a pair of the higest stiletto heels that I could find; now I wore a pair of white linen trousers with a green silk top and a pair of flats.  Back then we gladly paid the $3 cover to get into the club, but now we frowned at the $10 cover that we were being charged saying "hell I could have put that in the gas tank!"  I remember bullying my way onto the crowded dance floor as soon as we stepped into the club, but now all four of us 30-somethings went to the bar huddled together watching the dance floor from a distance.
It was not the fact that we were most likely the oldest people in the club, it was not the fact that my husband was tired and ready to go home at midnight and complaining that we missed an episode of Real Time with Bill Mauer, it was not even the fact that my sister was pissed that the bartender charged her $11 for a martini, but it was the fact that a girl bumped into me and said the dreaded words, "excuse me ma'am."

I am only 34 years old and by any means am I anyone's ma'am! With that one comment she let me know that we were the old people in the club...eek.

I was ready to go.
It hurt, but the salt on our wound came when we handed the valet our ticket and he pulled our bright red Dodge Caravan in front of all of the coupes and sedans and we did the walk of shame getting into our van, but when I opened our door a sippy cup rolled out...I was to ashamed to pick it up and throw it back in.


I can remember going out and seeing the older gentleman sitting on a bar stool, drinking a Tom Collins, wearing the poly-blend shirt with the outdated print and black slacks.  He never gets up because his feet hurt from standing all day at work, he never dances because he has a bad back...he only watches.  Why does he watch, well most likely the same reason that we watched the 20 something crowd bump and grind on the dance floor that night, because we didn't know the songs, we didn't know the dance moves and we were tired from our busy day.  

Back in my hay day I knew how to boogie on the dance floor and I'd bump and grind on who ever was standing next to me, but now that I am older I still dance (in my living room) and I like some club tunes (from the 90s), but I don't want any one other than my husband grinding on me.
Being the old person in the club has to suck, but there is a cure for it....stop going to clubs trying to party with the 20 something crowd!  Find a club or a lounge that is fit for your own age group to ensure that you don't look as lost as we did and not be the oldest person in the club.  Look, I have nothing against people going out and having a good time at the club, but come on 30 and 40 somethings if you think that you have something in common with those kids on the dance floor then you are delusional.  If you actually do have something in common with them then maybe you need to check your maturity level while you are checking your bags at the door.  It is time to come to the reality that we are getting to old to look forward to the club scene and leave that to the younger crowd.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe older people should be kicking it at the club, but I have six children, I have a book that I'm publishing, my husband has a full time job and household responsibilities to keep up with and we have lots of TV to watch and missed sleep to catch up on so we don't have time to hang out at the club.  So if you are in your 30s, 40's, 50's or even 60's for that matter and find it enduring to hang out at the night clubs then by all means do what you do, but please learn the latest dance moves and the current hits before you are the old man on the dance floor doing the cabbage patch!

TTFN!

BEWARE: The Serial Single Guy, You May Be His Next Victim!

Hi, I know that it has been a while, but I've been busy with getting Skeleton's formatted, covered and ready for print that I had to take a mini vacation to Chicago just to take a slight break.  Now that I am back and feeling relaxed and refreshed I am ready to get back into the swing of things.

While riding in the car with one of my closest 40-something male friends he was telling me about why this girl was not right for him, but neither was that girl, or the last five women that he has dated.  I quickly diagnosed the signs of a serial single.  The serial single guy is the guy who, like my friend, is between the age of 30-50, who either lives alone (because at this age most guy are married or living with someone) or in his parent's basement and the serial single guy has had a string of relationships but none of them were 'right' for him.  No matter how good a woman may be for the serial single guy he will find a reason why she isn't the one no matter how absurd the reason may be.

"Her hair was too long"
"Her nose was too pointy"
"She didn't like poetry"
"I don't like her dog"

"She smelled too good"

"Her   eyes are too blue"

"She has never been to Canada"

You get my point; no matter the reason the serial single guy will find any excuse to remain single.   He might be totally into you, but he will find things about you that he doesn't like or he will sabotage the relationship so that you will break things off with him. Keep in mind that the serial single guy will put up the front that he wants to find someone and settle down, but he just has not found 'the one yet'.  He has to keep this front up in order to secure his spot in various female's lives, why else would a woman date a man who has no intentions of settling down? Dating a serial single is like dating a serial killer, you hope that he will change, but without help he won't. 

Why would a man choose to sleep alone for the rest of his life?  Well, first there are grown men who are still afraid of commitment, but I also think that the serial single guy is afraid not only of being in a committed relationship that has expectations and responsibility, but also he is afraid of being hurt.  Men respond to emotional pain differently than women; when women get hurt in a relationship we allow ourselves to feel that pain and with the help of a few close girlfriends, a couple shots of tequila and a pint of Cherry Garcia Ice Cream we deal with it and eventually go on to love again.  Men on the other hand when they get their hearts broken they shut down and many of them will never give their heart to another woman again.  

A woman who has suffered a blow to her heart will heal through accepting her feelings and talking about it; however, men are not as open to communicating their emotional feelings as well as women, they lock those feelings up and some of them become jaded at the thought of being in love and will never let themselves fall that hard again.  

Don't get me wrong, most men will go on to give their heart to another, but it won't be as wholeheartedly as it was the first time around because that pain has not been dealt with therefore it is still there and since he is afraid of feeling that way again he won't fall as hard the next time around.  Ask any man how many times he has been deeply in love and I almost guarantee that most of them will say once maybe even twice, but ask a woman and her number will be well over that of a man. 

What should a woman do if she finds herself dating a serial single man? Should she run and hide or should she stick around and hope that she will be the woman to change him into Mr. Relationship?  Well that all depends upon the tolerance level of the woman as well as if she has the time to stick around and wait on him to come around (which there is no guarantee that he ever will).  If you find yourself taking a hot shower and you see the silhouette of the serial single guy through the shower curtain, don't run away in fear, instead let him know up front what it is that you expect from the relationship and ask that he do the same. If he is open and honest with you and says that he isn't looking for a relationship, you cannot get mad, but know your position in his life and act accordingly.  You can't treat a serial single man as you would a man who is at least open to the idea of being in a long-term relationship with you so save the candle lit dinners and trips to Cabo to the men who have relationship potential. 

I suggest that you do this after three or four dates that way you have felt him out and know that he could be someone that you want in your life long-term and this is before any real feelings have developed so your heart won't be broken if he says that he isn't in it for the long run.  

The serial single man can be a lot of fun to hang out with and to keep around for a roll in the hay every once in the while, but ladies please don't get your hopes up when dealing with one of these men or you may find your self another victim of the serial single's rampage!

TTFN!!!

The Reality of The Big Bodacious Booty

Some time ago I was talking with a friend, a friend whom I would consider to be very bottom heavy with a round ample booty, our conversation wandered to the topic of our assets or shall I say our asses.  She told me that I have a nice, unoffensive butt.  I was offended.  Okay, I know that I don't have the typical 'black girl' booty and I don't have a lot of junk in my trunk, but I am okay with that.  I am confident that I don't need a wide load to get through in life and I know that a big ass won't help me to succeed in getting sales for my book.
However, I am perplexed with the obsession that people have with women's asses.  I just don't get it at all.  I can see men being turned on by the size of a woman's breast because men don't have breasts, but everyone has an ass.  Some asses are just larger than other asses, but an ass is an ass and some men make them selves look like an ass when one walks by.  Look at the majority of the music videos that are on television, you rarely get to see the girls face because the camera instantly pans to her ass that she proudly pops, shakes, drops, wiggles to the beat of the music.  That is fine if that is how she chooses to make her money, however there is a different reality that I think about when I see women shake their ass for change.
Many people know who the video vixens with the big asses are, Keytoy Jackson, Buffie the Body and Melissa Ford are to name a few, but the first big booty lived a life much different than that of the video models of today live.  The vixen was taken from her home, put in shackles and put on display as a freak due to the size of her large ass and ample breasts.  This woman's name was Saartjie Baartman better known as the Hottentot Venus.

Hottentot Venus

Saarjite died at the age of twenty-six and her body was dismembered, her elongated vaginal lips were set in wax and put on display.  Her brain was removed,and it to was placed on display and her large buttocks was also placed on display just as she spent the last few years of her life, on display for all to see.   Saarjite was a Khosian woman from South Africa whose large buttocks was actually caused by steatopygia. She lived part of her life in Cape Town as a slave to Dutch farmers, but the slave masters promised her that she would become wealthy if she allowed them to take her to England and put on exhibition.  She agreed and left for London in 1810.  In England Saarjite was put on display as people from all over would come to see her large butt and in hopes to see the elongated labia minora (which she refused to allow people to see).  

Saarjite was displayed until people grew tired of the show and she ended up having to support herself by prostitution.  She died in 1815 at the young age of 26 and her genitalia were placed on display until 1974.  Saarjite did not live the life of your typical video vixen, but in her own right she was the original vixen, earning money for putting her body on display.  

I don't hate on girls with the big booty, hell it made Kim Kardashian popular, but I hate when they think that is all that they have to show.  I don't care about having a large ass, my ass is not what makes me, my mind makes me and that is what attracts people to me.  I know that as we age gravity tends to play a cruel trick on our bodies that it doesn't play with our minds.  Having a big booty is nothing new, people having been walking around with fat asses for centuries so in my mind it is silly to think that having one makes you a part of some sort of elite big booty club or something.  In my mind having a large ass with a tiny waist makes it a little harder to find jeans that fit and I'm sorry the new wide-leg Joe's Jeans don't come in Dunk.  

In conclusion, for all of the ladies with the junk in their trunk more power to you just don't let your booty be all that you are.  For all of my fellow pancakes, hold your heads up high and be happy that we can find jeans that fit us and don't have to worry about waking around with apple's on our ass cheeks !

TTFN!

You Saw Mommy & Daddy Doing WHAT?

Of all of the mistakes that I have made and will make as a parent, one of the most difficult to deal with lead me and my husband to having one of the most embarrassing moments of our adult lives.  Our six-year-old walked in on us bumping and grinding because one of us made the mistake of not double checking the lock on the door.  This isn't the first time it happened, a few years back my husband and I decided to get frisky while the kids were suppose to be outside playing, however my then 12 year-old daughter came back inside  unbeknownst to us and opened our CLOSED bedroom door only to find us in a peculiar situation.  Luckily those two incidents are the only ones that have happened, but that does not make it any better.

Don't get me wrong I am a bohemian chick in every way possible, but I am not so new age that I would ever consider having sex with the door open while our kids were at home.  No, I do not view sex and the nude body to be gross, but there are somethings that are crossing the line and having sex in front of the kiddos is one of them.

When the kids catch us in the act it is more embarrassing for the parents than it is for the kids and the older the child is the more traumatizing it is for us.  After our 12 year old walked in on us and we took a minute to compose ourselves we turned into the child remaining hidden in our room until she walked back outside.  My husband vowed not to touch me again until all of the kids were adults and moved out of the house.  I didn't take it to that extreme, but I did know that damage control needed to be done.  While my husband cowered in the bedroom not wanting to face her I took the brave road and talked to her about the incident while we made dinner.  While I geared myself up for the a long talk with her all she said was, "you guys should really get a lock on that door and that was gross." and that was it.  I was relieved that I didn't have to go through the whole "mommy and daddy loves one another and when two adults love one another they show that love by having sex." Nope, and we promptly took her suggestion of getting a lock installed on that bedroom door. 

When your kid walks in on you in the throes of passions there is no need to panic, but there is a need to act accordingly to your child's age.  Our one-year old sleeps in the same room with us, but we never get it on while she is standing up in her baby bed watching Yo Gabba Gabba; we wait until she is sound asleep or we take it to another room altogether.  However, it is important to teach your child that at a certain age (around three is when they have more understanding) they should not walking into mommy and daddy's room when the door is closed without knocking first.  Knocking on their parent's door shows the child to have respect for someone's privacy.  At three-eight most kids don't pay attention to the door being closed or they just forget, so use visuals such as a large STOP sign to let them know that when that sign is on the door they cannot walk into mommy and daddy's room.  A tween or a teen should already know not to walk into their parent's room when the door is closed. 

The child's age also determines how you deal with the after effects of them walking in on you getting it in.  For example, my three year-old wouldn't be as embarrassed by walking in on us as my eleven year-old. With that being said, I would tell my toddler to knock when our door is closed, but I'd tell my older child not only to knock on the door, but also let her know that sex is a natural part of an adult's life and that she should not be embarrassed or afraid of what she saw, but she should respect our privacy more by knocking on our door.  

In conclusion there is no need to walk around with a paper bag over your head if your kid catches you having sex, just keep things light-hearted and loving and gauge your actions by the child's age and reaction.  Oh and for heaven's sake invest in a lock!

TTFN

Open Relationships...Having Your Cake & Eating It Too

Jill Smith & Jada

Pink & Carey Hart

Monique & Stanley Hicks

Austin Kutcher & Demi Moore

What do these stars have in common? They have decided not forgo all of the stipulations of a traditional marriage and instead opt for a non-traditional open marriage.  What exactly is an open marriage you may ask well an open marriage is when a couple agree that they want to be together but romantic and sexual relationships with other people outside of their marriage are accepted and tolerated. Of course there are different variations of how open the open relationship can be for example:

• Only sex with another person is permissible, but you can't have an ongoing relationship outside of the marriage
• Only one-night stands are permissible
• The partner has to approve of the other woman/man that their mate is interested in
• The couple 'swing' and attend sex parties together
• The male is permitted to be open, but the female isn't (or vice versa)
• The couple share the same person as in a threesome
• The couple has an ongoing relationship with other people that doesn't affect the primary relationship

Why Would Anyone Agree To That? 

Agreeing to be in an open relationship takes a certain degree of guts that I am proud to say I do not have.  However, more and more people are becoming open to being open.  A lot of couples feel that a monogamous relationship causes more problems than an open relationship.  They feel as if the expectation of remaining faithful to one person for the rest of their lives is humanly impossible and instead of the lies and deception that can go on in a traditional relationship they opt for complete openness.  Another reason that a couple would agree upon an open relationship is if one person has a higher libido than the other so the person with the low sex drive grants their spouse the green light to find sexual satisfaction elsewhere while maintaining the relationship at home.   Maybe the couple has grown bored with one another and decided that they want to seek outside excitement while keeping the family unit intact.  

When The Milk Turns Sour 

Being in an open marriage has to be hard not only because of the scrutiny that a couple can receive from friends and family, but also what happens when it is no longer fun and trendy? When one partner wants to close relationship off to being just the two?  It is hard to change the dynamics once the contract has been signed without one person feeling resentful and the other feeling betrayed.  While most people think that they can have sex without emotional attachments we have to remember we are human not animals so emotional attachments are a possibility when we have sexual relationships outside of our marriage.  What happens when the open partner begins to close the other partner out?  What happens when the primary relationship begins to suffer from the openness of the relationship?  What if the other person becomes pregnant?  How does an open couple deal with jealousy in the marriage?

   

Is There A Such Thing As a Free Pass?

I wonder if my husband gave me a free pass, would I take it?  I know that I would never give my husband a free pass to be with other women. When I think of marriage I think of security however in an open relationship it may seem hard to feel secure when you know that your partner is with other people.  If my husband were to want a free pass I'd grant him a lifetime of free passes.  I am by far a traditional person, however I don't hand out free passes and I feel that if a person wanted to be with other people why enter into a marriage in the first place? I need the security of knowing that while my husband is attracted to other women I am the only person that he comes to at  night.  I think that in a lot of 'open' relationships one partner is more open than the other so instead of having the expectation that their spouse is going to be faithful they'd rather give them a free pass to soften the blow that they spouse has been unfaithful.

As I said before, being in an open relationship takes guts, but it also take a lot of respect, communication and trust.  However, I have to ask how much respect is it when my spouse is out with another woman? How much trust can I give him to know that he will not form an emotional attachment with another woman and further more how much is he really communicating with me about what he is up too.    I believe that people have the right be married in any way that they want as long as both parties agree upon the terms and conditions of the marriage.  An open relationship is something that I personally close the door on.

TTFN! 

The Dreaded Porn Stash

A few days ago while doing the laundry I decided to have a Super Wife moment and straighten out my husband's dresser drawers.  As I was emptying out his sock/t-shirt/lounge pants/underwear drawer I ran across a single pink DVD and I instantly knew what I'd found and it wasn't a hidden pirate's treasure! I'd lucked upon my husband's secret stash of porn and while this one DVD isn't exactly what I'd call a stash it was hidden therefore it counts.
I am not alone, many women all over the world happen upon their husband's porn stash that he'd carefully tucked away in a box in the back of a closet, on a high self that he thought that we couldn't reach, in their garages where we usually never go or even in the back room of a dark basement.  With unlimited internet access many men are hiding their porn in plain sight but rather than being put in closets and underneath beds porn is being hidden behind firewalls and security passwords, but  everything that is done in the dark comes to the light eventually.

A lot of women feel betrayed and turned off by the fact that they found their husband's erotic treasure trove and many women will even confront their men about their dirty little secret and demand that he come clean and throw it out or he will be the one sitting on the curb with last night's trash.

I didn't feel that way when I ran across my husband's DVD, instead I laughed it off, mumbling, "nasty boy." as I placed it back in it's original spot in his drawer.  I don't feel that my husband looking at an X-rated movie as a reason for him to feel ashamed and for me to feel angry.  I feel that way because I know that men are visual creatures who like watching the act of sex just as much as they like having sex themselves.  I also know that porn is a way for men to act out their own dirty little fantasies that you would not be willing to do with him (or that he is too ashamed to ask you to do).  So don't worry he doesn't want Sissy Spank-me to replace you in his life, but he does like the fact that she isn't ashamed of being his dirty little whore who willingly swallows and never spits.  

Also as sexual of a person that I am there are some nights that I just don't feel like fucking therefore my husband will turn to the little DVD in his drawer or on the laptop and have at it (after I am fast asleep of course).  After looking at porn men still find you as attractive as he did before he viewed porn and don't worry he doesn't want you to look like the porn star with the size forty-four double E boobs and the ass that could clap like a studio audience.  Instead he wants you to be you and to have the same confidence about you as the porn stars have about themselves. 

If you just have to let him know about his porn stash then let him know without making him feel ashamed.  Let him know that you don't disapprove of him watching porn, but you don't want him to keep secrets from you.  From time to time even pop on a flick while you are together to further let him know that you are not a porn prude.  

While I am fine with my guy's occasional porn habits, if there ever were a time that his porn viewing habits affected our relationship I'd have to let him know that it has to stop.  For example if my husband is stroking his laptop keys more than he was stroking me then we'd have an issue.  Also if he were to start comparing me to his on screen girls I'd have to cut his porn viewing off.   Lastly, if he decided to view pornographic material at work and it costs him his job I would have to intervene and get him some help.  

In conclusion, don't get your panties all in a bunch when you run across your guy's porn stash, just place it back and go on with your day; however, if your guys porn view habits start to take away from your relationship or you find child or gay pron then you may want to either call the authorities or talk to your mate about his pornographic addiction.   

TTFN!

Is There Love In The Club?

When someone says that they cannot find a good man or woman to date and make their mate, I often hear advisors tell them not to go looking for love in the clubs.  I hear them say to go to the church to find a mate or go to the grocery story, but whatever you do DO NOT GO TO THE CLUB sometimes they have that warning finger wagging back and forth.  

I don't get it though; why can't we find love in the club?  Usher said that it was possible so it must be true, right?  Having been married for the past eight years and a mom of a half-dozen I can honestly say that the nightclub scene isn't my thing anymore, not only do I not have the time, but I don't have the stamina that I use to have in my earlier years.  In my 20s I enjoyed my run with the club scene quite well; my girls and I would get all dolled up in the least amount of fabric legally possible for public and a lot of hair to hit the clubs Thursday through Sunday and we had fun.  

While I was not going to the club looking for love, I know quite a few people go to the club to find someone and to make a connection and at the same time several people go to the club to find someone to hook up with for the night.  

Motivation

If you are going to the club you have to ask yourself what is your motivation; is it to hook up or are you looking to find your husband or wife?  It is possible to find a life long connection in the club, but it is more likely that you will find someone who is willing to hook up with you for the night.  It is all about what you project.  For example if you are in the club drinking, half naked in your 'come fuck me dress' and are projecting that you want to hook up then more than likely you will not find your life long partner because people are not going to take you seriously.  However, if you are out and you've had a few drinks, but aren't sloppy drunk and you are dressed sexy showing a bit of skin here, a bit of skin there and a little more down there and you are sending out the vibe that you are there for a good time with the possibility of meeting someone then you have more of a chance of meeting someone who isn't looking for just a hook up. 

First of all people who go to the club aren't some human/club hybrid people; yet they are human just like you and I, but they are people who enjoy loud music, lousy over-priced drinks and don't mind getting their toes smashed all night long and some of them have one set of eyes, but they are still people.  Club dwellers usually have jobs in order to pay their entry into the club, some of them have style and put their pants on one leg at a time just like I do.  I don't understand the big deal, if you are at the club and they are at the club then hey, you both have something in common already.  As long as your motivation matches their motivation then it should be all good.   

Just like if you were going to church to find a mate, if that is your main reason for being at church and you meet a cutie who is saved, sanctified and filled with the Holy Ghost it won't work because your motivations do not match up.  On that same note if you both love the Lord and happen to meet at a church even then it will work because you share a similar interest and your motivations are the same.  

Love in the club is possible, you just have to be careful, don't be desperate and please just have fun no matter where you are and I'm sure that you will find the person of your dreams!

TTFN!

Has Hooking Up Replaced Dating?

Something odd has caught my attention amongst my single friends and that something is that they do not go out on an actual date instead they opt for hooking up.  It seems that this has been the trend for quite some time now and I don't think that this trend is one that was set due to the tough economic times that we are living in.  I think that this trend was set by women who signed a relationship contract without a dating clause attached to it.  

Call me a hopeless romantic, but I love going on dates with my husband; date night gives us something to look forward to during the week and it is a night that we can reconnect as a couple without the children.   I am a habitual dater.  Even if my husband and I weren't together I'd still want to go out on a date with a guy.  

One of the terms and conditions of my relationship contract states: I will set aside time of at least 3 times per month to take the above-mentioned girlfriend on an actual date.   I require a date night in fact I insist upon it in the very beginning. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the hook up, but if you consider yourself a boyfriend who has plans on sticking around (and if I want you to stick around) then you will have to sign the relationship contract (sorry) and take me out on a date.  

Since I've been married for damn near 10 years I don't have to worry about having someone sign the contract, but being married doesn't guarantee you a date either.  You have to open up your mouth and insist upon going out on a date with your husband.  Ladies, lets face it men are creatures of habit, they like to come home from work, grab a beer and plop their sweaty asses on the couch for hours. 

However, it is up to us to get them in the habit of taking us out on a date.  The date doesn't have to be the average dinner and a movie date but it doesn't have to be an expensive helicopter ride over the city either.  Mix it up and do something different such as a going to see a local live artist play at a lounge or go listen to some spoken word at a lyrical cafe.  Driving up to a local vineyard and having a wine tasting is always a fun idea for a date with your honey.  Re-live your teenage years by taking him/her skating or be adventurous and go for a round of paint ball to see who says ouch the loudest! Or if you can handle it surprise him with a trip to a strip club and buy him his favorite drink and a lap dance.  

No matter where you go, the point is to get up and go out with your mate.  Reconnect with him as if you were just meeting one another. If you are single then don't just settle for a hook up night after night (unless he is a friend with benefits), instead insist that he take you out on the town then hook up. Getting him in the habit of taking you out on dates from time-to-time will help keep that spark flickering between the two of you.  

TTFN!

Playing Games Can Leave You Feeling SORRY!

Monopoly
Scrabble
Clue
Battleship
Life
Yahtzee
Growing up I loved playing board games with my family and not that I am older I enjoy getting the kids together to play a game of Life or Monopoly from time to time.  Now the kids play Life, Scrabble and Monopoly online and adults they have their own form of game play.
It seems that in relationships people want to see how far they can push the other person until that person either gives in or gives up.  Instead of playing board games adults play a more dangerous type of game, they kinds that don't deal with fake money and plastic pieces, adults tend to play games of the heart.

It starts off with the Calling Game: You exchange numbers with the person and wait for the call and refuse to call that person as not to seem desperate; this ends up with both of you waiting on the other to call so no one ever calls.  Come on, get over yourself, pick up the phone and call.  Calling someone isn't an act of desperation, it is the act of showing interest.   The second type of calling game people play is when the person calls and you let the phone go to voice mail or they text and you don't text right back.  WTH!!! Again people get over yourself, if you are interested pick up the phone before they connect with someone else.

The second type of game that people can play in relationships is the game of Mouse Trap or Entrapment and this is a dangerous game.  In this game player #1 set in place a game of deceit and forgery to trap his/her mate which we will call player #2.  Player #1 will have a friend call or text #2 or meet player #2 at a club and chat him/her up laying heavy on the flirt until player #2 gives in then player #1 jumps out and says YAHTZEE or BINGO!  This game can also be played when player #1 uses a friend's Facebook/Myspace/Twitter account (or makes one up) to contact player #2 and entangle him/her in a web of lies to get player #2 interested.  Once player #2 has been enticed and if he/she takes the bait player #1 gets mad and suggests that player #2 was a cheater.   The problem with playing Mousetrap is that it may backfire on you and make you seem crazy for going through all of that trouble to see if your mate would cheat.  Furthermore, your mate may say that they can't be with someone who doesn't trust them and end the relationship anyway.  Do yourself a favor if you don't trust your mate look at the reasons why and try to communicate those feelings with your mate instead of dropping a basket on him.

The last game that I am going to look at is I Aint Gonna game.  In this game both partners are playing stubborn about an issue and in an attempt to keep the upper hand in the relationship neither will do what it takes to solve the problem.  For example, if your man doesn't do the dishes you withhold sex, food and other services from him instead of just asking him to do the dishes.  Another example is if your woman withholds sex then you withhold affection and/or you won't talk to her.  Now you have two people walking around the house mad at each other, but refusing to do what it takes to solve the issue!  

Rolling the dice in your relationship is not a good idea and someone will end up feeling Sorry in the end.  Instead of playing games with your partner's heart play games that will help build a lasting and loving relationship together and leave the games to Parker Brothers.

TTFN!

Blacks Don't Skateboard---WHAAAAT?

Today was the final day of school for Javier, Peaceful and Asa (Takeyha's last day was Monday) and I am happy to say that everyone has been promoted on to the next grade.  Now that summer vacation is in full effect we are scrambling to find something to keep the kids busy.  Peaceful is dying to join dance lessons, Javier is ready for summer camp and Asa just wants to hit the nearest skate park.
Asa is a typical 13 year-old who enjoys playing video games, hanging out with his friends, playing all types of sports, playing his guitar and he also likes to skateboard.  Asa, my nephew and their friends have been skateboarding for a few years now, with his first skateboard at the age of 10 and he is really good at it.  Recently I've noticed that he has not been wanting to ride his skateboard as much as he use to so I asked him and he said that he just didn't want to ride it any longer.  Strange, I thought because this boy lives on YouTube watching different skateboarding tricks and techniques and he watches the FUSE network all day long so I didn't understand why he all of a sudden stopped skateboarding.
Until I talked to the 17 year-old, Ta'Keyha, who informed me that the reason that he didn't want to ride any more was because someone told him that blacks don't skateboard and that he was trying to fit in with the white kids.

WHAT??

I get so tired of people saying what is white, what is black, what is Asian and what is Latino.  People are people, we don't act based on our skin color, we act based on how we were raised and the things that have influenced our lives thus far. We don't act a certain way based on the color of our skin.  Due to race-mixing and the such I really doubt that anyone is 100% anything these days!  My heritage is African-American, Caucasian and Asian, but by looking at me I am black.  Do I act black? I don't know, I act me because that is the only way that I know how to act.  When someone mimmicks the actions and cultural traditions of another race that isn't acting Asian, that is embracing the traditions and the culture of another race, but in essence the person is still who they are.
Skateboarding has been around for many years, I use to skateboard with my brothers and his friends many moons ago, but we didn't take it as seriously as the kids of today.   Thanks to the likes of Tony Hawk and Ryan Scheckler skateboarding has become a very popular past time for many kids and some adults with more and more skate parks popping up all over!  Thanks to Asa and my nephew I now know what DC, Flip, Element and Darkstar Skateboards are and I know the skateboarder lingo and even skater fashion!  I love the skateboarder lifestyle.

For someone to have told my son that skateboarding was a white-thing must have never heard of Terry Kennedy, Stevie Williams, Karl Watson, Lavar McBride or Alex Carolino who are all professional African American skateboarders.  Let's not forget about Lupe Fiasco and rapper/skateboarder Pharrell Williams are  also African-Americans who embrace the skateboard.
Blacks eat tomatoes, blacks enjoy mayonnaise, whites eat barbeque, whites enjoy watermelon, Asians like pork chops, Asians enjoy nightclubs and beleive it or not blacks skateboard.  Stop putting people in little stereotypical boxes based off of what you think that you know and just let people be who they are on the inside.

TTFN!