Living With A Sexually Active Teenager

Good afternoon, I was speaking with a close friend about our teenagers and how difficult they can be when we started to talk about teenagers and sex.  As a mother of a 17 year-old sexually active daughter and a 13 year-old son I have been through the trials and tribulations of coping with a sexually active teenager.

Finding out that my daughter had sex was the most difficult times of my life; many tears were shed the day that I learned that she'd lost her virginity.  However, instead of getting mad I got educated and I educated my daughter.

This is the 21st Century People

When I was a teenager my parents didn't talk to us about sex, all they said was, "Don't do it." Subsequently I ended up pregnant with my daughter at the age of 17 and ended up being a part of the growing statistic of teenage pregnancy in America.  Gone are the days when parents didn't talk to their teenagers about sex, gone are the days when parents threatened the kids with a harsh ass whooping or punishment from God.  The sex talk that I got was from my friends in the girl's bathroom and they were just as clueless as I was!
This is the 21st century people so it is time to stop playing with these kids lives and start getting real with them and real with ourselves.  Back in the day sex wasn't as open as it is today; now sex is all around and the kids are desensitized to sexually suggestive images and songs.  When I was growing up it was a big deal when someone said ass on TV and Madonna's Justify My Love video was very controversial, but in now in the 21st century the videos make Madonna's look like a Charlie Chaplin movie and these kids don't blush at the word or even the sight of ass.  

Keeping It Real

Hey let's just keep it real, these kids are going to have sex and some of them are already having sex, we did it our parents did it and I'm sure that their parents did it too.  In now way am I condoning teenage sex I am just keeping it real.  Now, what do you do when you find out your child has had sex?  I use the five steps of grief when dealing with the sexually active teenager:    

  

 Denial

"Not my child, my child would never do that I taught him/her better than that."

 Anger

"How could you? You are on punishment for the rest of your life!"

 Bargaining

 "Look, even though you had sex this time if you promise me that you will never do it again I will buy you a new car, iPod, cellphone or whatever."

 Depression

"Why me? Why my child?" "How could this happen?"

 Acceptance

 "Okay now that she is sexually active what do we do next?"

The acceptance phase is the most important phase.  It is in this phase that parents should denying that their child has had sex, realize that being angry and punishing the child will not change what has happened, bargaining with the child is only a temporary fix and being depressed about it is understandable but won't make you feel any better.   In the acceptance phase the parent can sit the teen down and have an open, honest discussion about sexual responsibility.  Remember that while parents can accept the fact that their teen has had sex, they don't have to condone it.  Sexual behavior in teenagers is very important and if parents don't bring forth the importance of this issue then don't expect the adolescent to be responsible about it.

"The Truth, You Can't Handle The Truth!"

When I sat my daughter down to talk about her having sex it was intimidating not only for her, but for me as well.  Facing the fact that my daughter was no longer in her bedroom playing with dolls and dressing up as a fairy princess, but now she was a sexually active young adult and facing that truth was something that I was not prepared for.  I had to overcome that discomfort for the good of my daughter and I had to get over myself real quick as not to close the line of communication with her.  Communication is key and as much as it hurt me, I had to talk to her about what happened.  

She'd already heard the sex talk and how she can get an STD or get pregnant, but now I had to get real with her and talk about the emotional complications that comes with having sex with someone.  I had to talk to her about maintaining her reputation and not tarnish her name.  I had to talk to her about being responsible and choosing a respectful and responsible partner.  I also told her that under no circumstances should she feel obligated to have sex with someone in order to make them love and accept her.  Those are the real topics that I had to cover with  her.  See, I had to get over my own hurt and anger in order to be able to cope with this new phase in my daughters life.  

While this is a very sticky topic that most people wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole it is also a very important topic that has to be discussed.  It isn't easy coming to terms that your child is now sexually active, but denying it, ignoring it and being angry about it will not help.  The only thing that will help us as parents get through these times is having an open and honest line of communication with our children and having a support system for ourselves.

TTFN!