Relationship Demotion: Climbing Down The Love Ladder

De-mo'tion 

To Lower in rank, grade or status

Being demoted at work is not only a humiliating experience, but it can also mean taking a lower compensation rate and also diminished job responsibilities. When you are demoted you are left in a lower position at work that is not as cushy as you had before. 

But, did you know that being you can also be demoted in your relationship too? Just like you can move backwards on the corporate ladder, you can also move down on the relationship ladder. 

In the corporate world you have the President, the Vice President, Managers, Supervisors, Team Leads then hourly employees, relationships also have a hierarchy. 

In the relationship hierarchy the top spot is taken by the head honcho, the person that most people strive to be and that spot is the wife or husband. In this spot you walk into the room with a certain air about yourself. You hold your head up high and poke your chest out a little because you know that you were chosen above all to share not only a bed with this person, but also a life. This spot is on the top rung of the relationship ladder as it should be because you have endured the most and you have moved all of the way up to sit up on your throne with a Coke and a smile. 

Next you have the girlfriend/boyfriend or what adults like to call 'my man' or 'my woman'. In this position you have not earned all of the perks that the spouse has, but you have earned a great deal of them. For some being the man or woman for many years is fine, but for most they want to be promoted to the top rung of the ladder.

Then you have the jump off or what I like to call the fun time girl/guy. This is the person that you have a great time with and who could be your man or woman, but you are not completely sold on this person yet so you just call them to have a great time. The jump off usually is the one that you call to meet you and a few friends at a local club or bar to have a great time which usually ends up in bed. 

The Next rung on the relationship ladder is the booty call. The booty call is much like the jump off except for the fact that the booty call is not someone that you would necessarily go out with. A booty call is just that  you call them for some ass then send them on their way. The booty call on the last rung of the ladder and no one plans on being on this rung for longer than a few weeks. If you find yourself on this ladder for longer than a month you really need to do some reevaluation on this relationship because it just does not seem to be working out for you. 

Now that you know the relationship hierarchy now it is time to talk about when you find yourself demoted. It happens all of the time, one day you are the jump off meeting up at all of the hot spots and just having a fantastic time then the next thing you know BOOM  you are on the bottom of the totem pole to only getting called for sex.

How did this happen?

What did I do?

Just like being demoted at work can be foreseen by you not getting called on in meetings because your opinion is not valued or being passed up for special assignments because your manager does not think that you can handle it when you are headed for relationship demotion there are signs that it is about to happen.  If you are the girlfriend and you find out that he didn't invite you to the annual family Christmas dinner that you normally attend that is a sign that you are headed for a trip down the relationship ladder. As the jump off and instead of getting calls to go out to kick it you get calls just to hook up is a sign that you have landed on the dreaded booty call rung of the relationship ladder.  

Why? Maybe you didn't laugh at the right joke at the right time. Maybe you didn't call when you said that you would. Maybe your bra and panties didn't match your toenail polish! Maybe he/she got scared of where the relationship was going and decided to back off. Maybe he/she knew that the relationship was not going anywhere and decided to help it along. Who knows why we get demoted in relationships. Does it really even matter why you ended up there, but are you willing to accept your new position, are you going to fight to maintain your old position or do you want to move up the ladder? That is basically up to you, how much and how long you are willing to endure. 

Now that you have been demoted and you have to walk the walk of shame to your car at three o'clock in the morning from that cozy spot in her arms that you used to lay your head until the sun came up you realize that just like in the corporate world in relationships you still have time to pick up the pieces and find a position in a company that values your talents and won't force you to take a demotion. 

Going from the girlfriend to the booty call happens.

Going form the husband to the jump off happens.

Shit happens. 

TTYL 

The Incredible Shrinking Dating Pool

First of all I want to dedicate this blog post to my two wonderful co-workers, April and Zerita because they keep me laughing and make those long eight hours of work seem to fly by. 

I was speaking with two co-workers about dating in their thirties it seemed as if the dating pool has shrank drastically. I know, I know I'm married, but that does not mean that my ear is not to the streets and the streets are talking! I do have many single friends, most of whom are beautiful and well-educated women who seem to have it all together, except for their love lives. They talk and I listen. It seems that they cannot find a man because not that they are in their thirties the pickings are slim. And for good reason too. First of all most men in their thirties are either:

A. Married

B. In a committed relationship

C. In jail

D. Has three too many children 

E. Jaded by love

F. Openly or secretly gay

That does not leave very many men to choose from and thus we have the incredible shrinking dating pool. 

What happened To The Ocean?

In our twenties things were different because we were different. In our twenties we didn't really know who we were or what we wanted in a mate so we took a chance in the vast dating ocean. We were apprehensive at first, only dipping one toe in the water, but soon we found ourselves liking it and not too long afterward we were waist deep and half naked. But we had fun. We were fun. We were carefree and the possibilities were endless because in our twenties we didn't give a damn about our 401Ks, IRAs, working overtime, making the kid's a dental exam or how much gas mileage we got in our cars. No in our twenties we were all about having a good time.

And it was fun while it lasted.

So what happened to that vast dating ocean that was available to us in our twenties when we had the body and the energy to actually enjoy it. It has not disappeared and it has not changed, but we have. In our thirties we are more mature, we know who we are and we know what we want. The ocean is still there, but we don't want to go skinny dipping because we know better, we know that there are sharks in those waters and they bite.

Now that we are in our thirties we have to contend with more than just sharks we have to contend with responsibilities and sometimes those responsibilities are just as important as wearing a life vest. This is because by the time most of us reach our mid-thirties we have a pretty decent career, we have a nice enough car, a sustainable bank account, our own place and maybe even a kid or two. With all of those things come responsibilities that we can't just throw to the wind and say fuck it. That is another reason why it is so difficult to find love in our thirties because not only do we not have the time, but also we don't have the time to play games and we don't want to let someone in to muck up our responsibilities.

Your thirties are serious business.

When you were in your twenties you took chances in life and would give the guy with the mullet a chance because you knew that you would have time to keep looking and since your dating pool was much larger then you had a larger selection. When you reach your mid thirties you don't want to date the guy with the mullet because you don't have time to waste on him and thus, you have eliminated guys with mullets from your dating pool. In your twenties you would have dating the electrician just because he was cute and you needed something to do on a Thursday evening. However, in your thirties you know that a blue collar man will not work for you as you only want white collar men. Ooops, there goes that Incredible shrinking dating pool getting smaller and smaller. One by one you are eliminating people from your already tiny dating pool until you have something that resembles a Lifesaver.

There is nothing wrong with setting standards for yourself when it comes to who you date. After all who has time to waste on someone whom you knew was not right for you in the first place? Having standards to whom you date is one of the most liberating things about dating in your thirties. Unlike in your twenties when you didn't know who you were or were you are heading, despite the fact that the dating pool is smaller in your thirties at least you know that it is small because you want it to be that way and that you will not lower your standards just to have fun for anyone!

TTYL

How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?

I can still feel the breeze that rustles through the trees

And misty memories of days gone by

But we could never see tomorrow

It would be that no one, no one ever told us about the sorrow..

-How Can You Mend A Broken Heart 

Al Green

When thinking of topics for today's blog post I kept hearing this Al Green song play over and over in my head and it got to be so annoying that I had to put my headphones in my iPod and crank it up and then it came to me...How Can You Mend A Broken Heart. I'm not talking about a broken heart as in when your boyfriend/girlfriend calls it quits or a broken heart that can be mended over a shared pint of Cherry Garcia Ice Cream, a bottle of strong tequila and a few good friends. No I'm talking about mending a broken heart that is within a marriage. 

People have this odd misconception of a wonderful happily ever after when they get married and I'm sorry to say but that happily ever after only happens in fairy tales and I'm sure that after five years of marriage to Prince Charming even Cinderella gets tired of picking up his dirty underwear and falling into the toilet due to him leaving the seat up too! 

Let's just face it, there is no perfect marriage as there is no perfect person. I have been married for nine years and I will testify with my right hand on the Holy Bible that marriage can bring out the best in us but it can also bring out our worse. I talk about my husband and post pictures on Facebook and Twitter all of the time, but don't get it twisted our marriage is flawed just as we both are flawed, but we work at making it great. Which leads me to the main point of my blog....

You can become broken hearted within your marriage...hey nothing personal, but shit happens. For example maybe the man that you married isn't the provider that you once thought and it breaks your heart that you have to put in extra hours at work while he sits his lazy ass at home playing the video game. 

Maybe the woman that you married is actually in love with another man and deep down inside you know that you were really her second choice. 

Maybe you thought that your happily ever after would include long walks along the beach, candlelit dinners and a bed filled with roses every night but in reality all you got was a quickie before the big game, bills stacked up to the roof and a screaming two year old. 

In a marriage a broken heart can come in many shapes and forms and not necessarily from one person stepping outside of the marriage. Wherever the heart break comes from heart break is heart break and my question is How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?

Out side of hashing it out with your mate in an all out battle of wills and words I think that the best way for a couple to deal with any big and long lasting relationship issue it to seek marital counseling. 

"What, and let some stranger all up in my business?"

Yes and let a stranger all up in your business. 

I say this because that stranger who is PAID to be all up in your business is a trained professional who went to school to be able to help you help yourself and to help your marriage. 

"But why should we pay someone to listen to your problems when I can just get advice from my girlfriends?"

That is a question that I get all of the time when I talk about marriage counseling. The reason that you want to seek a professional to help you in your marriage rather than your close friends is because first of all your friends are not professionals. Secondly your friends are automatically emotionally attached to you and will only give you their biased opinions of the situation. With that biased opinion that you will get from your friends you will also get an unfair advantage over your mate. 

"I am afraid that my spouse won't go"

This is a fear that I had before I suggested marital therapy with my husband and I was releived when he said that he'd been thinking the same thing. You won't know unless you bring it up. Get the conversation going about how the two of you aren't connecting like you use to or that you want to seek professional help for your marriage. If your spouse still won't go then you go alone, hopefully once your mate starts to see the positive changes that you are making he/she will want to start making changes as well. 

"I'm too ashamed to talk about our problems."

Hey I am embarrassed about going to the gyno sometimes but am I willing to live with an itchy situation down under? No. People go to a professional for a toothache, a headache, an itch that they don't want to scratch so why is it so shameful to seek professional help for one of the most important relationships in your adult life?

Whatever way you look at it marriage counseling is something to consider when you and your spouse are having unresolved issues and don't know where else to turn. I'm not saying this only because my husband and myself have gone through therapy, but I'm saying it because it works. Now, let me throw this in, marriage counseling isn't going to work for you if: 

1. You go into therapy lying

2. You don't do the assignments at home

3. You simply give up

In my second book In Treatment? I will take readers on a journey of three couples who sought therapy for their marital problems. The reader will see how therapy can either help the couple stay together or help to to finally decide that their happily ever after doesn't involve one another. 

TTFN!