I Love Me: Being Selfish In Love

Being Selfish In Love

Is there ever a time to be selfish in life? When we are young we are taught to share our toys with either or siblings, neighborhood kids or our pesky cousins. When we get into our teens we have to share our time with our friends and family. Then when we become an adult we have to share our space with the rest of the world. When is there ever a time for us to be selfish? I'll tell you the most important time to be selfish is when you are selfish in love. 

Yeah, I said it. Sue me...you won't get much. 

After all of these years I have finally figured it out...it is not what I give another person that will make him happy. It is not what I give another person that will make me happy, but it is what I have given to myself that will make me happy and when I'm happy hopefully he is happy as well because he is also giving to himself. 

Look there is nothing wrong with being selfish in love. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about being selfish with your heart. What I'm saying is that being selfish in love is knowing exactly who you are, what you want and how you want it. Think about all of those years you have wasted trying to make someone else happy. Giving someone else what they wanted. Doing what made someone else happy. Being the person that someone else wanted you to be. Were you ever truly happy? 

I love myself. I adore Shimeka. I think that I am the cat's meow. I think that I

am the shit. I think that I am  what's up. I love the shit out of me and I'm  not 

ashamed to admit it.  I am not conceited. I'm convinced. 

What I have learned in my thirty-five years of life is that when I lived for the love and acceptance of another person, I was not happy. I fought for them to love me back. However, when I started to just love me and do what made me happy that is when I was truly happiest. I wanted to go to Chicago so I went. I wanted to quit my job and write a book. So I did it. I wanted to chop all of my hair off and go natural. So I did it. I wanted to get my degree. So I did. I did what I wanted to do at all cost and guess what I finally knew what made me happy. The way that I see it we are here for just a short time and if we spend 85% of that time trying to please another person, that leaves very little time for us to please ourselves.   

People will try to make you feel like crap for living the life that you want to live and they will shun you for being selfish, but that is because they are to coward to step outside of the box and live the life that they want to live the way that they want to live it. I'm not talking about doing anything crazy, illegal or something that will make your spouse want to leave you or your children ashamed. What I'm talking about is doing the things that you have always wanted to do. I am talking about having a love affair with yourself and loving each and every moment of it. 

What happens when you stop loving someone else and begin that love affair with yourself? You stop putting up with someone else's bullshit; loving them they are loving themselves. When you start putting you first and loving yourself you no longer feel the need for another person's validation. When you validate yourself and love yourself you start to notice the things that you will and will not put up with. You start to let your voice be known. You start to let people know who you are and what you are about. When you love yourself you will not put up with someone treating you the way that they want to treat you and you will demand that they treat you the way that you want to be treated. 

When you love you, you won't have to worry about your heart being broken because you love you so much that you won't stick around for your heart to even get a crack. When you love yourself you won't cry over him/her at night because you love you too much for that. Loving yourself makes you hold your head up high. It puts a pep in your step. A swing in your arms and a whistle upon your lips. 

There is nothing wrong with being selfish in love because it allows us to hold ourselves accountable for how we allow another person to treat us. There is nothing wrong with loving someone else, but when you love yourself you no longer hold another person accountable for how they treat you because you love yourself to much to allow nonsense in your life. I will be the first to admit I am a selfish lover and I want my husband to be equally as selfish. I want him to live his life the way that he wants to live it because he has to make himself happy before he can make me happy. I have to live my life the way that I see fit because I have to make myself happy before I can make anyone else happy. Luckily we both want to live our lives together and right now we are happy and we make one another happy.  That is what being in love with yourself does it you....

TTYL

How Comfy is Too Comfy?

Okay, so here is the scenario, you wake up one morning with your bladder full of Moscato, Patron or root beer so you make a mad dash to the bathroom, but the door is closed.  After knocking your honey opens the door with his face covered in shaving cream and a towel wrapped around his waste.  Your bladder is about to explode, but he is trying to get ready for work, what do you do?

A.  You make him get out while your relieve yourself
B.  You push him aside and plop down on the toilet while he finishes his shave
C.  You roll your eyes and run outside to squat and hope that your neighbors don't catch you

How comfortable are you in your relationship and is there even a such thing as being too comfortable?

When I was growing up my mother and grandmother were on this whole 'lady-like' kick where a lady didn't let a man know that she has normal body functions.  I was told that you never burp, pick your nose, fart, scratch, dig your panties out of your butt or use the bathroom in front of a man.  A woman never allows a man to see her unmentionables in the dirty clothes, she never leave your tampon or pad papers in the garbage (no matter how tightly rolled they are) when a man is in the house and a woman holds whatever it is that her body wants to do until the man leaves (no matter how painful it is) or she politely excuses herself from the room to handle her business.  
I went through nine years of torture with my first serious relationship; for nine years he didn't know that I picked my nose, he didn't know that I had farts that could clear a room and for nine years he never knew if I had a bowel movement that size of Texas!  The problem was I was taught not to get so comfortable in your relationship that you compromised your femininity.  On the other hand men don't hold themselves to those type of constraints, they will cut one loose that will burn down a house without even batting an eye.
Now my husband, on the other hand, he gets to know the real me.  He knows that I blow my nose when I'm sick or when I get out of the shower, he knows that I can clear a building with my chili cheese gas and he has seen me been int he bathroom while I did the #1 (#2 ummm no) hell some of our decisions are made while one of use is relieving ourselves.  What is the big deal?  My husband has seen my vagina transform from something the size of a lime to something the size of a MAC truck during childbirth! My husband has seen my uterus!  My husband was the one who took care of me after I had our last child that that included wiping up various blood clots off of the bathroom floor!  So to think that I can't even pass gas in front of him is absurd!
On the other hand I know couples who go all out with the comfort and will have bowel movements with the other one standing right there.  That is too comfy for me.  First of all I do my best thinking on the toilet and secondly I have smelled the bathroom after my husband has destroyed our sewer system and if it smells that bad after the fact I certainly do not want to be in there during the fact!

The thing is being comfortable enough to let it all hang out and be yourself in your relationship depends upon your own comfort level with yourself.  Are you comfortable being yourself in front of your man?  If you can't love you and your bodily functions how in the world do you expect someone else to?  I am not saying fart around the guy on your first date, but what I am saying is don't put so much stress on yourself to be perfect.   I think that in relationships it is important to be who you are early on because you can't fake the funk forever.

TTFN!

BEWARE: The Serial Single Guy, You May Be His Next Victim!

Hi, I know that it has been a while, but I've been busy with getting Skeleton's formatted, covered and ready for print that I had to take a mini vacation to Chicago just to take a slight break.  Now that I am back and feeling relaxed and refreshed I am ready to get back into the swing of things.

While riding in the car with one of my closest 40-something male friends he was telling me about why this girl was not right for him, but neither was that girl, or the last five women that he has dated.  I quickly diagnosed the signs of a serial single.  The serial single guy is the guy who, like my friend, is between the age of 30-50, who either lives alone (because at this age most guy are married or living with someone) or in his parent's basement and the serial single guy has had a string of relationships but none of them were 'right' for him.  No matter how good a woman may be for the serial single guy he will find a reason why she isn't the one no matter how absurd the reason may be.

"Her hair was too long"
"Her nose was too pointy"
"She didn't like poetry"
"I don't like her dog"

"She smelled too good"

"Her   eyes are too blue"

"She has never been to Canada"

You get my point; no matter the reason the serial single guy will find any excuse to remain single.   He might be totally into you, but he will find things about you that he doesn't like or he will sabotage the relationship so that you will break things off with him. Keep in mind that the serial single guy will put up the front that he wants to find someone and settle down, but he just has not found 'the one yet'.  He has to keep this front up in order to secure his spot in various female's lives, why else would a woman date a man who has no intentions of settling down? Dating a serial single is like dating a serial killer, you hope that he will change, but without help he won't. 

Why would a man choose to sleep alone for the rest of his life?  Well, first there are grown men who are still afraid of commitment, but I also think that the serial single guy is afraid not only of being in a committed relationship that has expectations and responsibility, but also he is afraid of being hurt.  Men respond to emotional pain differently than women; when women get hurt in a relationship we allow ourselves to feel that pain and with the help of a few close girlfriends, a couple shots of tequila and a pint of Cherry Garcia Ice Cream we deal with it and eventually go on to love again.  Men on the other hand when they get their hearts broken they shut down and many of them will never give their heart to another woman again.  

A woman who has suffered a blow to her heart will heal through accepting her feelings and talking about it; however, men are not as open to communicating their emotional feelings as well as women, they lock those feelings up and some of them become jaded at the thought of being in love and will never let themselves fall that hard again.  

Don't get me wrong, most men will go on to give their heart to another, but it won't be as wholeheartedly as it was the first time around because that pain has not been dealt with therefore it is still there and since he is afraid of feeling that way again he won't fall as hard the next time around.  Ask any man how many times he has been deeply in love and I almost guarantee that most of them will say once maybe even twice, but ask a woman and her number will be well over that of a man. 

What should a woman do if she finds herself dating a serial single man? Should she run and hide or should she stick around and hope that she will be the woman to change him into Mr. Relationship?  Well that all depends upon the tolerance level of the woman as well as if she has the time to stick around and wait on him to come around (which there is no guarantee that he ever will).  If you find yourself taking a hot shower and you see the silhouette of the serial single guy through the shower curtain, don't run away in fear, instead let him know up front what it is that you expect from the relationship and ask that he do the same. If he is open and honest with you and says that he isn't looking for a relationship, you cannot get mad, but know your position in his life and act accordingly.  You can't treat a serial single man as you would a man who is at least open to the idea of being in a long-term relationship with you so save the candle lit dinners and trips to Cabo to the men who have relationship potential. 

I suggest that you do this after three or four dates that way you have felt him out and know that he could be someone that you want in your life long-term and this is before any real feelings have developed so your heart won't be broken if he says that he isn't in it for the long run.  

The serial single man can be a lot of fun to hang out with and to keep around for a roll in the hay every once in the while, but ladies please don't get your hopes up when dealing with one of these men or you may find your self another victim of the serial single's rampage!

TTFN!!!

The Dreaded Porn Stash

A few days ago while doing the laundry I decided to have a Super Wife moment and straighten out my husband's dresser drawers.  As I was emptying out his sock/t-shirt/lounge pants/underwear drawer I ran across a single pink DVD and I instantly knew what I'd found and it wasn't a hidden pirate's treasure! I'd lucked upon my husband's secret stash of porn and while this one DVD isn't exactly what I'd call a stash it was hidden therefore it counts.
I am not alone, many women all over the world happen upon their husband's porn stash that he'd carefully tucked away in a box in the back of a closet, on a high self that he thought that we couldn't reach, in their garages where we usually never go or even in the back room of a dark basement.  With unlimited internet access many men are hiding their porn in plain sight but rather than being put in closets and underneath beds porn is being hidden behind firewalls and security passwords, but  everything that is done in the dark comes to the light eventually.

A lot of women feel betrayed and turned off by the fact that they found their husband's erotic treasure trove and many women will even confront their men about their dirty little secret and demand that he come clean and throw it out or he will be the one sitting on the curb with last night's trash.

I didn't feel that way when I ran across my husband's DVD, instead I laughed it off, mumbling, "nasty boy." as I placed it back in it's original spot in his drawer.  I don't feel that my husband looking at an X-rated movie as a reason for him to feel ashamed and for me to feel angry.  I feel that way because I know that men are visual creatures who like watching the act of sex just as much as they like having sex themselves.  I also know that porn is a way for men to act out their own dirty little fantasies that you would not be willing to do with him (or that he is too ashamed to ask you to do).  So don't worry he doesn't want Sissy Spank-me to replace you in his life, but he does like the fact that she isn't ashamed of being his dirty little whore who willingly swallows and never spits.  

Also as sexual of a person that I am there are some nights that I just don't feel like fucking therefore my husband will turn to the little DVD in his drawer or on the laptop and have at it (after I am fast asleep of course).  After looking at porn men still find you as attractive as he did before he viewed porn and don't worry he doesn't want you to look like the porn star with the size forty-four double E boobs and the ass that could clap like a studio audience.  Instead he wants you to be you and to have the same confidence about you as the porn stars have about themselves. 

If you just have to let him know about his porn stash then let him know without making him feel ashamed.  Let him know that you don't disapprove of him watching porn, but you don't want him to keep secrets from you.  From time to time even pop on a flick while you are together to further let him know that you are not a porn prude.  

While I am fine with my guy's occasional porn habits, if there ever were a time that his porn viewing habits affected our relationship I'd have to let him know that it has to stop.  For example if my husband is stroking his laptop keys more than he was stroking me then we'd have an issue.  Also if he were to start comparing me to his on screen girls I'd have to cut his porn viewing off.   Lastly, if he decided to view pornographic material at work and it costs him his job I would have to intervene and get him some help.  

In conclusion, don't get your panties all in a bunch when you run across your guy's porn stash, just place it back and go on with your day; however, if your guys porn view habits start to take away from your relationship or you find child or gay pron then you may want to either call the authorities or talk to your mate about his pornographic addiction.   

TTFN!

Has Hooking Up Replaced Dating?

Something odd has caught my attention amongst my single friends and that something is that they do not go out on an actual date instead they opt for hooking up.  It seems that this has been the trend for quite some time now and I don't think that this trend is one that was set due to the tough economic times that we are living in.  I think that this trend was set by women who signed a relationship contract without a dating clause attached to it.  

Call me a hopeless romantic, but I love going on dates with my husband; date night gives us something to look forward to during the week and it is a night that we can reconnect as a couple without the children.   I am a habitual dater.  Even if my husband and I weren't together I'd still want to go out on a date with a guy.  

One of the terms and conditions of my relationship contract states: I will set aside time of at least 3 times per month to take the above-mentioned girlfriend on an actual date.   I require a date night in fact I insist upon it in the very beginning. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the hook up, but if you consider yourself a boyfriend who has plans on sticking around (and if I want you to stick around) then you will have to sign the relationship contract (sorry) and take me out on a date.  

Since I've been married for damn near 10 years I don't have to worry about having someone sign the contract, but being married doesn't guarantee you a date either.  You have to open up your mouth and insist upon going out on a date with your husband.  Ladies, lets face it men are creatures of habit, they like to come home from work, grab a beer and plop their sweaty asses on the couch for hours. 

However, it is up to us to get them in the habit of taking us out on a date.  The date doesn't have to be the average dinner and a movie date but it doesn't have to be an expensive helicopter ride over the city either.  Mix it up and do something different such as a going to see a local live artist play at a lounge or go listen to some spoken word at a lyrical cafe.  Driving up to a local vineyard and having a wine tasting is always a fun idea for a date with your honey.  Re-live your teenage years by taking him/her skating or be adventurous and go for a round of paint ball to see who says ouch the loudest! Or if you can handle it surprise him with a trip to a strip club and buy him his favorite drink and a lap dance.  

No matter where you go, the point is to get up and go out with your mate.  Reconnect with him as if you were just meeting one another. If you are single then don't just settle for a hook up night after night (unless he is a friend with benefits), instead insist that he take you out on the town then hook up. Getting him in the habit of taking you out on dates from time-to-time will help keep that spark flickering between the two of you.  

TTFN!

Playing Games Can Leave You Feeling SORRY!

Monopoly
Scrabble
Clue
Battleship
Life
Yahtzee
Growing up I loved playing board games with my family and not that I am older I enjoy getting the kids together to play a game of Life or Monopoly from time to time.  Now the kids play Life, Scrabble and Monopoly online and adults they have their own form of game play.
It seems that in relationships people want to see how far they can push the other person until that person either gives in or gives up.  Instead of playing board games adults play a more dangerous type of game, they kinds that don't deal with fake money and plastic pieces, adults tend to play games of the heart.

It starts off with the Calling Game: You exchange numbers with the person and wait for the call and refuse to call that person as not to seem desperate; this ends up with both of you waiting on the other to call so no one ever calls.  Come on, get over yourself, pick up the phone and call.  Calling someone isn't an act of desperation, it is the act of showing interest.   The second type of calling game people play is when the person calls and you let the phone go to voice mail or they text and you don't text right back.  WTH!!! Again people get over yourself, if you are interested pick up the phone before they connect with someone else.

The second type of game that people can play in relationships is the game of Mouse Trap or Entrapment and this is a dangerous game.  In this game player #1 set in place a game of deceit and forgery to trap his/her mate which we will call player #2.  Player #1 will have a friend call or text #2 or meet player #2 at a club and chat him/her up laying heavy on the flirt until player #2 gives in then player #1 jumps out and says YAHTZEE or BINGO!  This game can also be played when player #1 uses a friend's Facebook/Myspace/Twitter account (or makes one up) to contact player #2 and entangle him/her in a web of lies to get player #2 interested.  Once player #2 has been enticed and if he/she takes the bait player #1 gets mad and suggests that player #2 was a cheater.   The problem with playing Mousetrap is that it may backfire on you and make you seem crazy for going through all of that trouble to see if your mate would cheat.  Furthermore, your mate may say that they can't be with someone who doesn't trust them and end the relationship anyway.  Do yourself a favor if you don't trust your mate look at the reasons why and try to communicate those feelings with your mate instead of dropping a basket on him.

The last game that I am going to look at is I Aint Gonna game.  In this game both partners are playing stubborn about an issue and in an attempt to keep the upper hand in the relationship neither will do what it takes to solve the problem.  For example, if your man doesn't do the dishes you withhold sex, food and other services from him instead of just asking him to do the dishes.  Another example is if your woman withholds sex then you withhold affection and/or you won't talk to her.  Now you have two people walking around the house mad at each other, but refusing to do what it takes to solve the issue!  

Rolling the dice in your relationship is not a good idea and someone will end up feeling Sorry in the end.  Instead of playing games with your partner's heart play games that will help build a lasting and loving relationship together and leave the games to Parker Brothers.

TTFN!

Menage a trois--and I'm Not Talking About The Wine

Menage a trois, known to some as a delicious wine that is comprised of a trio of grape combinations that challenge the tongue while offering a silky soft flavor that glides down the throat.

However, I'm not talking about wine.

The menage a trois that I am referring to is the the kind that combines three willing and able adults (the grapes are optional) in a tangle of arms, legs, fingers and tongues.
Two women on one dick is every man's desired fantasy and it seems that a lot of women are starting to open up to the idea of a menage a trios as well.  Having a menage a trois is fun and it pushes the sexual limitations of a couple; rather it is MFM or FMF having a threesome is the ultimate sexual experience for some and it opens doors that no one ever knew existed. However once you open that door it may be hard to shut it.

The problem with a menage a trois is that oftentimes the woman is doing this to satisfy her man's most carnal desire of having two women lusting after his dick; however, for a menage a trois to be successful a couple has to have three things:

Trust

Respect

A Paid Escort

If you already don't trust your mate a threesome should not be considered at all. If you don't trust your mate a threesome should not be considered at all.  I said it twice just in case you missed it.  Trust between a man and a woman is golden, but it is hard to come by so it would be disastrous to throw another man or woman into a rocky bedroom.  Before the menage you have to be able to trust that your partner isn't using this as a means to be unfaithful to you.  During the threesome you have to be able to trust that your partner is going to pay you as much attention as the new booty in the room.  After the threesome you have to be able to trust that your partner is not continuing the threesome (minus you) with the other person. If you feel that you can trust your mate then if a threesome is something that you both are considering I give you the green light. 

However, If one of you have a jealous streak there should not be a threesome.  Sex is an intimate time for a couple and if the thought of seeing your mate touch or make love to another makes you a green-eyed monster, please consider other sexual options.  So many relationships have ended because of a jealous partner during and after a threesome.  

Respect is another important issue to consider before you menage a trois.  Both partners have to respect one another, but also respect the third wheel.  You have to be respectful of the one that you are in a committed relationship with by not demeaning him/her during the threesome. With that being said, you cannot go on and on about how sexy the third party is or how much bigger his dick is or how much better the other person's pussy is.  That is a no-no.  It is disrespectful to push your partner out of the bed when the other person enters; paying equal attention to both parties is a way to have a successful threesome experience.  It is difficult because once you get going with one person and things start feeling good you don't want to break off to go to the other person, that is why you need to be a great multi-tasker in a threesome.  Guys aren't good a multi-taking so they may need some time to practice before they jump in bed with two women.  

You have to be respectful of the third person in the bedroom also.  Just because she/he is there for your sexual pleasure doesn't mean that you have the right to demean him/her and treat her unfairly. Treat the third person just as you would your partner to avoid any issues during your playtime and this may guarantee you a return visit.

The last thing that I feel is important is hiring a paid lady of the night to join in on your threesome.  Now keep in mind this is illegal in all U.S. states except Nevada so unless you find yourself in Vegas and want to try a threesome don't pay for sex.  In case you are in Nevada and you and your partner want to have a menage a trois go ahead and pay for someone who is a trained professional who doesn't want your man to join you.  A paid professional is someone that you can trust to have a threesome with because not only does she know exactly what she is doing, but she is also very well trained.  These women are paid to sell a fantasy and they do it well so why not complement your ultimate fantasy with someone who is paid just for that?  I don't suggest that you go to the street and find your nearest crack-whore, but visit a brothel (which are only legal in Nevada) and pay to play.  Unless you are on the Cathouse, your encounter with a professional woman will also be private and discreet.  Also a professional woman has other clients and is far too busy to go hunting your partner down after the encounter with her so you won't have to worry about her stealing your guy.  Remember this is a job for her and while she will do her best to make your fantasy come true, after she is done she clocks out and it is over.  

Many people mess up a threesome by allowing someone that they know to enter into their bedroom. That is a huge no-no. In my upcoming book, Skeletons, one of my characters finds that out the hard way.  When you invite someone that you know into your bedroom you risk that chance of them being uncomfortable to follow through with the act and if they do go through with it then you risk them telling everyone that you know about what happened that night also you run the risk of them hooking up with your partner after the encounter.  So if you are going to embark on a threesome I suggest using a paid professional (in Nevada) or someone that you don't know and will never see again. 

Adding a menage a trois to your bedroom playlist is exciting and every man's fantasy; however, things don't always go the way that they do in a porn movie.  Most homes don't come equipped with a lighting crew, hair and make up artists, a director and fluffers to make sure the guy dosen't "pop" too soon.  However, if you do want to embark on this journey please tread softly and do it right.  For me I think that I will have a menage a trois and this time I am talking about the wine.

TTFN!

The Forgotten Art of The Booty Call

Rather you call it friends with benefits, a hook up, a fuck mate or your cuddy buddy it all means the same thing, a casual sex relationship.  While this can be fun and rewarding, it is also a delicate relationship that has to be handled with care to avoid emotional attachments that could eventually lead to hurt feelings.   If you are single, but still want the sexual benefits of a relationship without the commitment of the relationship then a booty call may be right for you.  Some people may blush at the mere thought of having a relationship with someone that is based purely on sex, but if both parties are willing and able I say why in the hell not.  Just make sure that you set the ground rules first.

The Rules of The Booty Call

Both Parties Must be Single

No Emotional Discussions

Avoid The L-Word Like the Plague

Do Not Go Out In Public

Avoid Calling, "Just to Talk"

Always Wear Protection

Avoid Spending The Night

Do Not Let Jealously Ruin Your Fun

If both parties can agree and abide by these simple rules things will go smoothly and you will live happily ever after in cuddy buddy heaven.  Or will you? 

We Are Only Human

As much as we would like to think we can separate our emotional feelings from sex, we are human and a huge part of our sexual compatibility is emotional; even for men.   I am not talking about a one-nighter where you meet someone at a bar, hook up and never see or hear from this person again.  No, I am talking about a friend with benefits which is someone that you have an ongoing sexual relationship with.  Besides the obvious reason of having great sex, there is something that keeps going back for more.  Maybe you like spending time with this person, but you don't want the confines, responsibility or expectations of being in a relationship.  Maybe you want an actual relationship with this person, but you are to chicken shit to admit it so you settle for being this person's toy for the time being. Whatever the case may be if you have an on-going sexual relationship with someone that has lasted over the span of months or in some cases years, there is a reason behind this and it isn't just for the sex!  

The Blacklash of The Booty Call

One reason that I call this post the Forgotten Art of The Booty Call is that people tend to forget what they signed up for when dealing with someone just for sex.  People tend to forget that we are human and as human we want and need to be wanted and needed.  We want to be touched, kissed, held, talked to, taken out on dates and ultimately loved.  It is an art for someone to be able to casually hook up with someone for an extended period of time without any emotional ties to that person, thus this art is forgotten.  

When you are with this person for a 'hook-up' and he/she leaves after the deed is done, leaving you  wanting more; is that something that you can tolerate?  If you do develop feelings for the person, express them and find out that those feelings aren't shared, the friendship and hook up is damaged because things have become too complicated. Finding out that your friend has been friending other people is another backlash of the booty call.  Remember, jealously is not part of the cuddy budy pact so deal with it. 

If you see this person on an actual date with someone else, you cant get mad  remember discretion is part of the agreement in a booty call relationship; therefore, you have agreed to remain silent in the background like an extra in a movie.  Is that something that you could handle?   If your booty call decides that they no longer want the hook up , they just stop calling you and won't answer your calls then you find out that they now have a mate that is just part of the deal.  You have no choice but to accept it.  Because you were just a 'friend'.

A booty call is not as simple as one may think because while this person is not your mate you are giving him/her a huge part of your life and that should be important to you just as it should be to them.  Now, I have had casual sex relationships and they were great, but you have to know when and how to terminate things so that you two remain on good terms without any hurt feelings.  This is the forgotten art of the booty call and if you can handle it remember to handle it carefully.

TTFN!

A Player In Your Own Mind

Hey guys! I haven't been able to log into Blogger for the past few days for some reason and I was frantic that I could not post anymore of my random ramblings, but I'm back!

Today's topic came from talking to a friend who was telling me about a guy that she is dating and really likes except one thing...he thinks that he is a player, but really he is only a player in his own mind thus he is playing himself.  See guys to be a true player you have to have certain things in place and without these essential things you are just playing yourself because you are too afraid to fall in love and risk getting your little heart broken.

You are a player in your own mind if you have a woman

A player needs to be available to date other women at all times and if you have a woman that is impossible to have that type of availability without your main woman getting all bent out of shape.  Now I'm not talking about a man cheating on his woman what I am talking about is being a player.  A player is that emotionally elusive man who is seeing several women at one time, never fully giving himself to one person.  It is not possible to be a player if you have a main woman because that means that someone actually has your heart and that you don't have the freedom of taking other women where you want to because you have to be mindful of running into your woman or her friends which could lead to disaster.  So remember guys, if you have a woman then your player certificate has been shredded.

You are a player in your own mind if you live with your grandma

Every successful player know that having your own place is essential to the game because you have to have somplace to take the ladies after your date.  If you have to sneak women into the house after your grandma has fallen asleep or if you have to constantly tell the lady to keep it down because she might wake up your parents then that is not sexy and your player license has been suspended until you get your own place.   Yes you could take the ladies to a hotel, but after awhile hotels get expensive and the lady is going to want to see your place eventually so it is best to have your own spot as to avoid a potentially embaressing situation. 

You are a player in your own mind if you drive a mini-van

Let's face it fellas, it is not fiesable to think that you are a player if you come to pick a lady up in a Caravan, Odessey or Voyager.  Driving a mini van means that you have three or more kids and since most single men wouldn't buy a mini van (even if they have kids) this also means that you are either married or attached to a lady.  A man jumping out of a mini van is just not player material.  Also, while a Toyota Camery, Corolla or a Sunfire are sensible cars that get great gas milege those are not cars that women necessairly connnect with a man that has player status.  Go ahead and purchase that Charger, Mustang or even a Phantom and leave the Town and Country on the lot if you are planning on being a player. 



You are a player in your own mind if your car is not up to par

Being a player is one part attitude, two parts swagger and the rest is about marketing and it is hard to be taken seriously as a player if you have a red car with a blue hood!  

Women will look the other way if you pull up to her trying to get your Mack on while your car is emitting harmful fumes and is louder than your stereo system. Before you try to get your player degree please check your car, make sure there isn't any visable rust, make sure that the door all open and close without the use of duct tape or a hanger, please make sure all of your tires are the same size and please do not add more pollution to the ozone with your toxic black smoke piping from the back of your ride.

You are a player in your own mind if you don't have the funds

Have you ever heard the term, 'you gotta pay to play'? As much as I hate to say it fellas you cannot be a broke player.   I know that in this economy it is hard to maintain not only your house and your car, but if you want to be a successful player you have to also maintian your bank account so that it is padded enough to be able to take different women to the movies, bowling, dinner, dancing and the such.  If you ask three women on dates then please be able to pay for all three activities and trust me these days a movie ticket is $10 or more.  If you don't think that you'll be able to afford to take all of these women out on your salary then consider getting a second job or a side hustle because you are going to need it.

You are a player in your own mind if you don't know how to play

Being a player means that sometimes you will get played and if you walk around sulking because someone played you then you are on the opposing team.  Players understand that if they play the game they are risking getting played, but players also know to keep their emotions distant so that they won't get attached to a certain woman only to find out that she too is a player then end up getting his heart broke.  If you are a sensitive man who wears his heart on his sleeve maybe you should look into marriage instead of being a player because it is a dog eat dog world out there and a lot of women are players who don't think twice about chewing you up and spitting you out.

I am making light of the matter, the fact is that most players are just people who have had their hearts broken at some point in their lives (early on) and have taken an oath of heartlessness.  People who play with the emotions, intelligence and time of other people who are seriously looking for love are often insecure themselves and think that they need the validation of several women to make them feel better about themselves.  It is sad, but often this is the truth.   Hey heart break is a part of life, yes it hurts and it is hard to put the pieces back, but it is through the heartbreak that you will heal, gain strength and be able to love again. 

TTFN



Terms & Conditions Of The Relationship Contract

Hello.  Last night I watched The Time Traveler's Wife and while this movie was fantastic , I felt sorry for Claire (played by Rachel McAdams) because she couldn't fully live her life due to the fact that she was constantly waiting for Henry (played by Eric Bana) to travel back to her.  At one point in the movie she was resentful of him because while he was traveling through time, she had bills to pay and a life to live and she wanted to live a normal life with a man who stayed in the present time with her.  Yet, she entered into this agreement with Henry so waiting for him to time travel to get back to her were the terms and conditions of her relationship contract.

Read Carefully Before You Sign On The Dotted Line

When Henry told her that he traveled through time and that he couldn't control it nor did he know when in time or where in time that he would travel.  The terms and conditions of their relationship meant that there would be days, weeks, months or years that Claire would be without him. Waiting on him to return. Once Claire signed on the dotted line of that relationship contract that meant that she agreed to the terms and conditions.  

When we enter into a new relationship we tend to get so caught up in the newness of it all that we look past the important things.  Important things such as, is he employed, does he have children, does he use drugs, does he have a drinking problem, is she already married but separated  does she have several children by several different men or has she completed high school or in Claire's case can he stick around? When entering into a relationship and the newness wears off that is when it is time to take a look at the terms and conditions of your potential mate and if those terms and conditions are conducive with your life.  This should be done before you sign on the dotted line of the relationship contract and become exclusive with that person.  For example, if you don't have children, don't like children, have expensive furniture in your home and like to travel to exotic lands at the drop of a dime,  would it be conducive with your life to enter into a relationship with a person who has three children?  No.  Another example, if you are a member of C.O.G.I.G (Church Of God In Christ) who goes to church Sunday thru Friday would it be conducive with your life to get with someone who is a partier? No.  Entering into these contracts with people who don't fit into the major parts of your life is the set up for a disastrous union.
Some people enter into non-conducive relationship contracts because they think that they can deal with their partners terms & conditions or they think that the partner will eventually change.  That is fine, but it rarely happens.  Remember people change for their own needs and they change on their own time so if you want to wait around for someone to change, you may be waiting a lifetime.

Contract Addendum

 Say you enter into the relationship contract under the terms & conditions that your mate does not do housework then sometime down the line you are working more hours, you have a few kids and you need help around the house your partner is going to be hesitant and may refuse to help because his terms & conditions have not changed and since you signed on the dotted line you are in a losing situation.   That is when you have changed the contract by adding an addendum that since your mate can't afford to let you stay home and care for the house and kids then he will have to accommodate for your absence by doing housework.  Keep in mind that adding a contract addendum does not guarantee that your mate will agree so you will have to keep the negotiations open until the terms & conditions of the relationship are mutually agreed upon by both parties.  Say for instance that your mate will hire a part-time house keeper to help out. You can't add an addendum without your partner's knowledge and without your partner agreeing with the changed contract, if you do then that is a breech of contract.

Breeching The Contracts Deems It Null & Void

When some fails to honor the terms & conditions of their mutually agreed upon contract then they are in breech of contract making that contract null and void.  Long hours have been spent in court houses across the world due to breech of contract cases so this is an important issue.  Business partnerships have ended due to breech on contracts and the same thing goes for relationship contracts.  When you accept the terms and conditions of your relationship with the partner of your choice then to that partner you will accept their bullshit and you can't question it nor disagree with it because, "I was like this when you met me" or "You knew that I didn't have my GED when you met me" or "You know that I slept with your brother when we met".  Therefore you can't bring that shit up and if you do then that makes the relationship contract null and void and the relationship will ultimately be null and void as well. 

Remember when entering into a relationship read over their terms and conditions and if those things are not conducive with your life and/or life's goals do not enter into the contract in the first place and save yourself the grief in the long run. 

TTFN!

The Conditions of Unconditional Love

 Happy Mother's Day to all of you beautiful mothers out there working hard to keep things together.  I know that I am a day late, but I think that mothers should be celebrated every single day.  Being a mother is hard work, not only because of the day-to-day duties of cooking, cleaning, laundry, wiping snot, boogers and butts but also because of the unconditional love that mothers give to their children no matter what.  When someone says, "a face that only a mother could love" that is not only an insult, but it is saying that no matter how hideous a person is their mother is guaranteed to see the beauty and still love them for that.  Mothers love their children no matter if they are short or tall; skinny or thin; ugly or pretty; or mentally or physically challenged, a mother's love can see past all of that and that love is the epitome of true love. However, can a man or a woman have unconditional love for their partner?

The Sam I Am Theory

Remember in the children's book Green Eggs And Ham by Dr. Suess, when under no conditions or circumstances was he going to eat green eggs and ham which were conveniently provided by Sam I Am.

Would you eat them in a house?

Would you eat them with a mouse?

I do not eat them in a house

I do not want them with a mouse

I do not like them here or there

I do not like them anywhere

I do not like green eggs and ham

I do not like them Sam I Am.

Now, we all are aware that at the end of the book he ended up eating the green eggs and ham (and enjoyed them) but that is not the point.  Under no conditions did he like green eggs and ham.  Let's visit that in reverse when it comes to love.  Could you love your mate like a mother loves her child, under any conditions?  For example, if your mate cheated on you does that change the love that you have for him?  Under the rules of unconditional love it sates: to love without conditions.  So if you love your cheating mate unconditionally, then you will welcome him with open arms when he comes home from his late night tryst with the girl next door, right? Wrong. If you love your partner unconditionally then that means when your partner goes out and blows his entire paycheck at the casino, mall, bar, nightclub or brothel you will smile and make him a breakfast of pancakes and eggs in the morning, right? Wrong.  If you have hearts and stars in your eyes when you see your mate, whom you love unconditionally (remember) when he tells you that he no longer loves you, your heart will still swoon for him, right? Wrong.   If you love without conditions that means just that, you love WITHOUT conditions.  Just as in Green Eggs and Ham, he wouldn't eat them under any conditions...that is until the conditions were just right and he just wanted Sam I Am to leave him alone.

Conditional Love

For the most part people do love with conditions, if not then we would accept being used, abused, cheated on, lied to and the such without question.  If people really had unconditional love for their partners then the divorce rate would drop down and relationships would not end because we would love our partner no matter what.  Loving someone no matter what is impossible for us to do because we are all different and we all have conditions in which we want to be treated and under which we want to live.  Instead of saying I love you unconditionally, just say "I love you only under the condition that you don't lie to me, you don't cheat on me, you don't steal from a me, you don't ignore me, you don't get fat, you don't spend money on bullshit and that you don't use drugs."  Who wants to say all of that to someone, that puts a lot of pressure on your soon-to-be partner, but it is the truth and isn't that what we owe one another?  The truth of the matter is we do put conditions on each other when it comes to love, but they are unspoken conditions disguised by the word unconditional because we don't think that we have to verbalize those conditions in which we are willing to put our heart out on the line for someone else. 

I love my husband, but that love is a conditional love; I love him under the conditions that are favorable to me and I am sure that he feels the same way about me.  I love my children, but that is unconditional love, I will love them if they walked out of my house and robbed Fifth-Third Bank, I would love them while I was calling the police to come and pick them up.  We don't love our romantic partners in the same way that we love our children; it is impossible.  However, that dosent' mean that we can't be in love with our partner and still want to spend the rest of our lives with that person.  That just means that we love you with conditions. 

In my upcoming book, Skeletons, Mike is struggling with rather he can still love his wife under the conditions in which is put forth in their marriage.  I am so excited about my book and I cannot wait to see it in print soon. 

TTFN!

Being A Contortionist Is Hard On Your Back! Ouch!

Hello! I love going to the circus when I can get over the smells of the elephants, camels and horses I get to enjoy the different circus acts.  Clowns, jugglers and aerial acrobatics are sure fire ways to wow a crowd, but there is one circus act that wows and amazes people time and time again and that is the act of the contortionist.  It is amazing the way that a contortionist can bend and move her body in ways that are truly unimaginable and impossible for most people, but she does it with ease and grace.  The contortionist is truly amazing.

 

I Didn't Know That I Could Bend Like That!

The act of contortion is an unusual form of physical display which involves the dramatic bending and flexing of the human body, but are you too a contortionist?  Think about in your own relationships, not only the relationship that you have with your mate, but also the relationships that you have with others.  Are you performing unusual feats by bending and flexing yourself when they stay rigid?  For example, in Sex And The City when Carrie wanted the wedding of her dreams complete with a ridiculous guest list and even more ridiculous wedding gowns, but Big who had been married before and who already had the big wedding, he just wanted something simple and low-key...even though he left her at the alter....they still got married by his terms.  Carrie showed an act of contortion by bending and flexing to meet the wants and needs of Big.  I too am guilty of being a master contortionist in my relationships, bending and flexing myself to fit inside of someone else's box.  Are you bending to fit inside of someone else's little clear box? Do you constantly find yourself rerouting your own plans in order to take a detour down their road of life? A lot of times detours takes us completely out of our way and it takes us longer to get back on track. 

OUCH! I Think I Threw My Back Out!

Think about all of that bending and flexing that the contortionist does, pretty soon their back is going to go out and they are going to be bent and flexed so much that they simply cannot bend anymore.  When you are constantly ignoring your own "to-do" list to take care of things so that someone else can check that item off of their own to-do list your list only keeps growing and growing until you haven't gotten anything accomplished.   If you are constantly changing your plans in order fit the plans of someone else then you are basically contorting your life to fit inside of someone else's life.  That constant bending, flexing, twisting, turning, leaning and molding eventually wears thin on your life.  

A Little Bit Of Bend Never Hurt Nobody

Consistent contorting can wear thin on you; however there is nothing wrong with a little bit of flex.  I flex with my husband on certain things as he does with me just as long as that flex isn't taking a toll on me and my life's goals.  There is nothing wrong with helping out your fellow man or changing your plans to hang out with your girls at the mall to hanging out with your man after he got fired from his job.  A little bit of flex is good because it shows that you care and that you want your partners in life to be successful and get the things that they desire as well.  

You Go This Way I Go That Way

In relationships we all should bend and flex a little bit because the ability and willingness of each of us to compromise.  If I meet you in your town this time the next time you meet me in my town or if we go to the restaurant of my choice this time then I'll try some sushi with you the next time.  We can get the fire engine red car however it has to have a DVD player in it because I like to watch TV on long trips.  Compromise and communication are as golden as a chiropractor is to a contortionist.  So if you find yourself with a backache think about all of the bending and contorting that you have been doing for others and untwist yourself to get your wants, needs and desires back on track!

TTFN!

Are You Lost In Someone Else's Reflection

In the movie Eat Pray Love, Elizabeth Gilbert (played by Julia Roberts) and her beau David (James Franco) were leaving their friend's home when the friend David (Mike O'Malley) kind of chuckled and said, "You use to look like Stephen, but now you kind of look like David...you know how people start resembling their dogs..." 

I have watched this movie three times, not because it is such a great movie, but I love it because of the message that this movie conveys and this one line sticks out to me more than any other line in the entire movie.  

"You use to look like Steven, but now you kind of look like David..."

Why do I think this one line is so profound? I think that it is because in the movie Elizabeth has been trying to find herself, but she has been searching through  someone else.  I cringe when I hear the words You Complete Me only because if that person leaves you are you then left incomplete?  So many times we tend to search for ourselves through the person that we are with and my question is how is it possible to find your through someone else?  Are we conforming ourselves to be the perfect person for someone else? In other words are we so lost and confused in who we are that we just throw up our hands and say fuck it and take on the traits of another person? 

In my book Skeletons Santana is unhappy because she has been with the same person since she was in high school and she feels that her identity lyes within her marriage and that she is only her husband's last name.  How can I be happy when I am not me?  Who am I really?  What would happen if I stepped out on a limb, risking everything, to go on a journey to find myself?  

What Are We Afraid Of?

In the movie Elizabeth was an unhappy woman wearing the mask of pure bliss (as so many people do) until one day she threw up her hands and said, "fuck it" and walked away from not only her marriage, but also the comfort of her life traveling to Italy, India and finally Bali on a quest to find herself. She even told her ex-husband that he could have all of the money, she just wanted out.  Now I am not saying that we should go such extremes, but I'm asking the question what are we afraid of if we did step outside of the status quo and do what is in our heart would we finally find happiness within ourselves?  

If I said "being a wife and a mother isn't good for me and I am not happy" and took off on a journey to find my own happiness in life would I be looked upon in shame?  Or would I be celebrated as an inspiration to others?  Why is it more acceptable for a person to stay in a situation where they are unhappy?  

Follow Your Own Desires

I think that not only society, but also ourselves, put a lot of pressure on ourselves to just accept life as we know it and put on the mask of happiness while ignoring what longing is in our belly.  No matter if it is leaving your current mate, quitting your cushy corporate job to work for Green Peace or like myself choosing to be a stay-at-home mother while taking a risk and publishing a book.  Yes money is tight and the kids drive me insane, but I am finally happy because I am doing what I've been wanting to do for over 15 years.  What is so wrong with that? What would happen if you followed your own desires in life?  

Life For You & You Alone 

I have been married for 8 years and I don't live for my husband, I have six beautiful children but I don't live for them either, but I do live my life for me.  My husband doesn't complete me, but he enhances me and my life as do my children.  I don't need to be lost in someone else, I need to be lost in myself and while I am lost I am mapping out the journey to find happiness within myself so that I don't have to wear the mask of bliss.  

If you haven't seen the movie Eat Pray Love I suggest that you watch it and while you are watching it think about building your map to finding your own brand of happiness so that you can drop the mask along the way. 

TTFN!

Being A Puppet Master is Hard Work

Hello, the weekend I went tot he park with my children and I saw that some kids looked as if they were in an ad for GAP Kids instead of a place riddled with mud, dirt, grass and rocks.   Some parents take pride in dressing their children in the best clothes, matching socks and shoes and accessories.  I've seen kids at the playground who look like they belong on a GAP Kids billboard.  These same GAP kids are at the playground, but they can't really play because their parents don't want them to get dirty or scuff their perfect shoes.  Yes, its cute to dress your six year-old like a mini James Dean or Usher, but how practical is that? How much fun is that?  Then you have the kids whose parents know better, those are the kids who have on jogging pants, t-shirts, hoodies and whatever shoe matches on, but those are also the kids who are sliding down the slide, climbing on the jungle gym and just running around enjoying being kids.  Children have a lifetime to play dress up and yes there are some days when dressing your child nicely is necessary, but don't put too much pressure on yourself or on your child because after all they are just children.

Are You Geppetto? 

By definition a puppeteer is a person who manipulates an inanimate object, a puppet, in real time to create the illusion of life.  Sometimes in relationships people tend to become puppet masters by manipulating their partner into doing what is necessary in order to maintain the relationship. For example, if a woman has to not only tell her husband that she expects flowers or whatever for her birthday, but also goes out of her way to make sure that he has the money freed up in order for him to be able to buy the flowers, then that is her playing the puppet master.  Another example, if a man feels that in order for his lady to cook a nice dinner for him he has to not only tell her what he wants to eat, but also go to the grocery store, pick out and purchase the ingredients and make sure she has everything necessary for the meal then he too is playing puppet master.
The puppet master of the relationship is selling him/herself in illusion that the person is doing something special for them when in fact they have not only ordered the steps and even carried out a few in order for their lover to do whatever it is that they desire.  Is it the same if you have to tell your partner what to do for you rather then them having their own desire to? I want my husband to remember my birthday and make it special in his own way rather than me having to tell him how to make it special for me.  If he doesn't feel the need to make it special then I know how he really feels.  In my book Skeletons, Mike thinking that he can save his marriage by manipulating certain situations he can keep Santana in love with him, but if the person has no want nor desire to, then his attempts are futile.

But What Happens When Carpel Tunnel Hits?

Carpel tunnel is a condition that is the result of a person conducting repeated tasks for an extended period of time; can you imagine how a puppeteer would get carpel tunnel from repeatedly working the strings of his/her puppet over time?  Just think about how a person who is playing the puppet master in a relationship,  constantly ordering the steps in order for your loved one to show you their love gets kind of tiring and in a sense depressing.  Being a puppet master is hard work, it requires one to overlook his/her own objectives in life in order to tend to manipulating the steps of another person.

What's a Puppet With No Strings?

If you cut the strings of a puppet it will fall, right?  Or could it do like Pinnocco whose desire to become a real boy were so strong that he was able to maintain without the strings?  If you are playing puppet master with your mate and you cut the strings will your relationship fall or is it strong enough that your mate will thrive without you pulling the strings?  I'd prefer the puppet with no strings, please...

I've got no strings

to hold me down

to make me fret, or make me frown

I once had strings, but now I'm free

There are no strings on me

Hi-ho-the-me-ri-o

The Phases of The F'ed Up Relationship

This morning while doing my morning shopping at Shop n Save, my best friend, who is more like a sister to me gave me a call.  While I was a bit upset that she interrupted my Corrine Bailey Rae I am a good friend who always has time for my girl.  So she was at home minding her own business when she receives a call at 4:00 in the morning from the wife of the man that she is shaggin.  The wife was not mad, she just held a conversation with my friend about the man that they were sharing and ended the call with, “don’t buy any of the dreams that such-and-such is buying” and that was that.  My girl was in awe that the wife was so calm, but I was not.  The wife is now in what I like to call the phase in a fucked up relationship called “Acceptance”. 

Seek and Ye Shall Find

Every relationship has phases, but the f'ed up relationship's phases varies greatly from that of a normal relationship.  The first phase of the f'ed up relationship is the investigative phase.  During the investigative phase the person getting f'ed over usually spend his/her time investigating the person that if f'ing over them.  During this phase the f'ed over not only spends his/her time going through their partners cellphone for strange phone calls and text messages, but this person will also go as far as riding past their mate's house, job, friend's house, momma's house, grandma's house and by the place that their mate frequents.  During this phase the f'ed over will check pockets, purses, panties and boxer briefs for evidence of foul play.  The investigative phase of the f'ed up relationship takes diligence, determination and very little self-respect.   This phase of the relationship the person knows that their mate isn't being true, but they think that if they investigate the crime somehow they can prevent future crimes from happening.  

A Fight A Fight

The next phase after the investigative phase is the combative phase; during this phase the person will have investigated enough to determine rather or not their mate is involved in illegal activities such as cheating.  Rather then leaving the f'ed up relationship the person will become combative thinking that they can fight their way to a normal relationship. During this phase of the relationship the woman will go from a private eye to a warrior.  She will fuss and fight with every other woman that even looks at her man in the wrong way.  She will curse out the waitress, the co-worker even as far as the distant cousin that she has never met.  In the combative phase you may see this person in the grocery store clowning with their partner because someone of the opposite sex spoke to them in line and not care who sees them. Occasionally the woman will fight the man, but her anger isn't towards the one who is suppose to be loyal, no her anger is for the other woman who actually owes her nothing.  The investigative phase can be expensive in terms of gas money, spy cameras and freelance computer hackers. However, during the combative phase weaves get pulled out, nails get broken, tires get slashed, cell phone bills go up due to calling the other man/woman during non-peak hours and playing on the phone and windows get broken out so this phase is the most expensive.  

I Accept Therefore I Am

After a someone has investigated that they are in fact in a f'ed up relationship, combated their way through countless other people, he/she generally is tired and does not want to fuss and fight any longer, but they are unwilling to give up the relationship, so they move on to the acceptance phase of the f'ed up relationship. During the acceptance phase, he/she no longer has to investigate because he/she already knows that they are in a f'ed up relationship and their mate is cheating on them, they are no longer combative because they have grown tired and have no more fight left in them, but they still want to maintain this relationship so they move happily in the acceptance phase of the f'ed up relationship. 

During the acceptance phase the person does not like the fact that their partner is a cheater, but they have wasted so much time and so many years in the investigative and combative portion of their f'ed up relationship that they will accept the win by default and has accepted the terms and conditions of their f'ed up relationship. This person has said to him/herself that as longs as their mate respect him/her enough not to cheat in their face or not to bring their other men/women home then he/she is cool with it. During the acceptance phase of the f'ed up relationship the person has ran him/herself to the ground that he/she is now so cynical and bitter that no one else will want him/her and their self esteem is so low that they believe that this person is the best that he/she can do and he/she is lucky to have him/her. 

Winning By Default Is Not Quite As Sweet

The default win is not a prize either because default means just that…default.  The default person is the person who has stuck around the longest, the one who the cheater has ran to the ground and back and only after they have done all of their dirt and have ran through the ones who are not going to put up with his/her shit, he/she finally decides to settle with the one who has always been there and who was stupid enough to stick around. The default prize.  No they are not the first or most desired choice, but they are fine with being this person's last resort.  The cheater do not love the default prize,  and if someone else was to come along he/she would leave the default prize and be some sort of a decent and loyal person.  

When I think about the character, Arizona, in my upcoming book Skeletons, she is now in the acceptance phase of her relationship.  She is in the phase where she knows that her husband is untrue, but she also knows that he will not change so she accepts her win by default and is prepared to accept the terms and conditions of her relationship.  

We have all been in a f'ed up relationship at one point in our lives rather we left during the investigative, combative or are currently in the acceptance phase and are fine with the bronze medal hanging around our necks or wrapped around our ring finger.  Be careful of the terms and conditions in which you accept when entering into relationships and if things seem f'ed up in the beginning then most likely things will be f'ed up in the end.  

TTFN